Chicago Bears

The Bears Have Signed This Guy

Jacquizz Rodgers

The Chicago Bears have signed Jacquizz Rodgers, which should complete this year’s Super Bowl-quality roster. He wants to Quizz on your face! No lie.

Antrel Rolle is the Perfect Idiot for the Chicago Bears

Antrel Rolle

The Chicago Bears signed safety Antrel Rolle this week and we were all real impressed. We’re even more impressed after hearing Rolle’s reason for signing.

Bears Have Dumped Brandon Marshall on the Jets

Sad Brandon Marshall

The Chicago Bears have decided to trade receiver Brandon Marshall to the New York Jets. Apparently, the Bears believe they have too much talent. Totally logical.

New Bears Regime Not Committed to Jay Cutler

Jay Cutler and Marc Trestman

The Chicago Bears have a decision to make at the quarterback position. Thus far, the new regime is not committing to the great Jay Cutler, but what other options do they have?

So Jay Cutler is Not a Leader? Really?

Cutty!

Jay Feely, who kicked briefly for the Chicago Bears in 2014, has some opinions on why they were so bad. He says Jay Cutler and Marc Trestman were not leaders. We find that really hard to believe.

Chicago Bears Fans Getting Creative

Chicago Bears fans

Chicago Bears fans really are the cream of the crop. They showed it again on NFC Championship weekend by getting creative to support the Seattle Seahawks. You’ll never believe what an awesome job they did either.

John Fox Now Gets to Lose to Packers Twice a Year

John Fox

The Chicago Bears have gone and gotten themselves a coach. He is Denver Broncos garbage John Fox, who will now get to lose to the Packers twice a year.

Meanwhile, Some Chicago Bears are Fighting on Twitter

Martellus Bennett

Chicago Bears Martellus Bennett and Kyle Long are fighting on Twitter because one of them unfollowed the other. These seems fairly emblematic, doesn’t it?

Ryan Pace will Now be Screwing up the Chicago Bears

Ryan Pace

We know you were wondering who’s going to be in charge of screwing up the Chicago Bears for the foreseeable future. The answer is new general manager Ryan Pace. We’ve been wowed again, Chicago!

Oh, What Could Have Been, Chicago

Phil Emery

The Chicago Bears can only think of what might have been. Thanks to former GM Phil Emery, the Bears were a dysfunctional mess from day one of his tenure.

Unfortunately, The Chicago Bears are Cleaning House

Chicago Bears coach Marc Trestman working the combine

The Chicago Bears canned general manager Phil Emery and coach Marc Trestman on Monday, which is probably bad news for the Green Bay Packers. Of course, so long as they keep their legendary QB, we’ll be fine.

Chicago Bears Christmas Carols

Screen Shot 2014-12-17 at 2.31.29 PM

Here are the Chicago Bears Christmas carols you always wanted. They touch on some familiar themes. Themes like failure and sadness. ‘Tis the season.

Oh, the Chicago Bears…

Sad Brandon Marshall

The Chicago Bears are a real sad sack right now. Their season is over for all intents and purposes and a lot of blame is being placed. Let’s revel in the misery!

Bears Fans Stabbed Because They Want to be Packers Fans

Chicago Bears fans

Chicago Bears fans being Chicago Bears fans. One group of Bears fans apparently stabbed two other fans because one said he wanted to be a Green Bay Packers fan. Not even making that up!

Willie Young is the Biggest Turkey

Willie Young

Willie Young is a defensive end for the Chicago Bears. Willie Young is also a moron. For his unoriginal sack dance after a non-sack, he’s our turkey of Thanksgiving.

Even the Sun-Times Has Lost Interest in the Chicago Bears

Chicago Bears headline

The Chicago Sun-Times — the city’s other newspaper — has just as much interest in the Chicago Bears as everyone else does. None. This headline proves it.

Chicago Bears Fans Reacting Completely Reasonably

Jay Cutler and Marc Trestman

Chicago Bears fans did not handle their team’s latest loss to the Green Bay Packers well. They harassed the coach’s daughter, burned stuff and called for Jim McMahon.

Randall Cobb Knew Bears Would Lay Down

Randall Cobb

Green Bay Packers receiver Randall Cobb says he knew the Chicago Bears might lay down if the Packers got an early lead. And lay down they did, because they’re just that kind of team.

Here’s the Chicago Bears’ Season in a Nutshell

Chicago Bears defensive end Lamarr Houston got his first sack of the season in the fourth quarter of a 51-23 blowout loss. Naturally, he had to celebrate!

The Chicago Bears Have Imploded

Cutty!

On Sunday, the Chicago Bears did what losers do when they realize they’re losers and have nothing more to play for. They imploded. So long til next year, Bears!