ref knocks Jay Cutler's helmet off

You know who’s winning NFL MVP this year? He’s the quarterback of the Chicago Bears. Say it with me — Cutty! Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuty! Cu-tay! That’s right, folks! Jay Cutler, your favorite sad sack of don’t care, is winning the NFL MVP this year.

How do we know this? Well, Bears receiver Brandon Marshall said so. He says Cutty! absolutely can win MVP this year. Then…

Check out this dime of wisdom.

“I don’t think anybody would believe it,” Marshall said. “I don’t know why they wouldn’t believe it. [But] this is a different person. I don’t know this guy. I don’t know this new Jay Cutler. Maybe his new name is like Joshua or something. This is a totally different guy. Just call him Joshua Cutler. That’s what the ‘J’ stands for.”

Oh my. So much going on there!

Marshall doesn’t think anybody would believe it, but he doesn’t know why anyone wouldn’t believe it…


Aaaaaaaaaand, done trying to figure out what the fuck that means.

Also, Cu-tay! has a new name! No more Jay. Now it’s Joshua!


Well, because batshit crazy Brandon Marshall said it! And it just makes perfect sense!


Michael Irvin was hanging around at Bears camp too. He took a moment away from doing lines off a hooker’s ass and asked Marshall about his proclamation. And yes, Marshall told Irvin the same thing.

Cutty! = MVP.

“I want to see what happens when they have a healthy Jay Cutler,” Irvin said. “I asked Brandon that very question; what do you think a healthy Jay Cutler for 16 games [can accomplish]? He said ‘MVP in the league.’ I said that’s high praise right there; you’re just going to take Peyton Manning off that shelf and just going to put Jay Cutler right up there like that? That’s the way he sees it.”

That’s the way we all see it, isn’t it?

Cutty! is a once-in-a-generation talent. He’s the kind of guy built for playoff success, but not before he shatters passing records in the regular season. He’s known for his toughness and leadership ability and finally — finally! — all of those traits that make him such a wonderful human being AND football player are going to be rewarded!

We certainly cannot wait.

Jay Cutler