Why the Minnesota Vikings Suck

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Randy Moss moon

Minnesota Vikings new logoThe Minnesota Vikings. The worst of the worst. A joke of an organization. A joke of a team. An even bigger joke of a fan base. The Vikings are known primarily for choking and an empty trophy case, but that’s not news to you. As if you didn’t know, here’s why the Minnesota Vikings suck.

Team: Minnesota Vikings

2013 record: 5-10-1

2013 was pretty much status quo for the Vikings after a fluke of a playoff season in 2012. The highlight of the season for the Vikings had to be the tie against the Scott Tolzien/Matt Flynn-led Packers. Because the bar gets set high in Minneapolis.

Coach: The Vikings ditched Leslie Frazier for Mike Zimmer after the 2013 season. Zimmer was the defensive coordinator for the Cincinnati Bengals. He’s noted for his fire and enthusiasm. He’s also noted for being the guy that got passed over for a head coaching job so many times he thought about giving up.

Everyone else’s second or third choice. Perfect to be the Vikings’ first choice!

He may or may not also be a leprechaun.

Mike Zimmer

Quarterback: Oh boy. The Vikings spent most of 2013 trying to pretend that Christian Ponder is an NFL-caliber quarterback. You’re kind of forced to do that when you draft a guy in the first round that you probably could have taken in the third, as the Vikings did with Ponder in 2011.

Ponder put up 1,648 yards, 7 TDs and 9 interceptions in 2013. The previous season, he held the distinction of being the only quarterback in the NFL to start all 16 games and NOT throw for at least 3,000 yards. Solid.

Minnesota Vikings Sucknado

The Vikings eventually turned to Kansas City castoff Matt Cassel. He was actually 3-3 in his six starts, which is great if you’re a Viking.

This year, the Vikings traded to get the last pick of the first round and draft the quarterback that no one seemed to want, Teddy Bridgewater.

These three all-stars are now in competition to lead the Vikings in 2014. Are you excited about that? You should be!

Why the Minnesota Vikings Suck

Oh my god. Where to even begin?

How about with their fans? Not only are they obnoxious and ignorant, but they’re more than happy to throw their obnoxiousness and ignorance right in your face. Because you know what? This is the Vikings year! They’re gonna tear the Packers apart this year! The Packers ain’t shit! They’re going down!

How many times have you heard a refrain like that? A million?

It’s never based on fact or analysis. It’s never even based in any sort of reality. It just IS.

That’s why Vikings fans, as a whole, are intolerable, insufferable pricks. But when you collect that many idiots in one geographic area and they start reproducing with each other, delusions of grandeur are bound to become commonplace.

Minnesota Vikings suck

How about their stadium? They finally got rid of the Humptydump and are in the process of building the Hormel Chili Dome. Yes, from one dome to another (minus a two-year stop at TCF Bank Stadium). Because we play football inside in the Midwest!

Oh, wait. No we don’t. Pussies.

Minnesota Vikings stadium

How about the team itself?

You know, it’s hard not to like Adrian Peterson, despite his being a Viking. I mean, he’s a damn beast. Unfortunately for him, when he retires he’s going to realize that his career was a total and complete waste because he played for the Vikings.

Minnesota Vikings suck

The rest of these guys, well, one or two of them might be able to play special teams for the Packers.

You’ve got that garbage dump at the quarterback position, a bunch of mouth breathers on defense (seriously, look at Brian Robison and try not to laugh) and the ultimate me-first, whiny bitch in Greg Jennings.

He was born to be a Viking.

Greg Jennings mistake

Okay, here’s where they don’t suck

Hahahahahaha

Top 10 Minnesota Vikings Turds

The other two division foes only got five, but these are the Vikings we’re talking about.

10. Keith Millard — If you looked up meathead in the dictionary, there would be a picture of this guy. In 1989, this turd had 18 sacks and won the defensive player of the year award. He had eight sacks over the next three years of his career and then disappeared from the NFL. Roids must have worn off.

9. Onterrio Smith — Two words: The Whizzinator.

8. Greg Jennings — For reasons you are already fully aware of.

7. Brad Childress — Can you identify a pederast by sight? You can now.

Brad Childress

6. Randy Moss — You know, if this shitbird hadn’t done this in Lambeau, he might be tolerable. Typical classless Viking.

Randy Moss moon

5. Jared Allen — The Vikings really like players that fall into certain stereotypes and Jared Allen’s was dumb hillbilly. This guy really likes sheep. A LOT.

4. Cris Carter — Cris Carter was just a dick. He’s probably still a dick. He was the prototype for the selfish receiver. I very much enjoyed when he went into the Hall of Fame and opened his speech with, “Now, I’ve never won a championship…” That’s because you played for the Vikings, you cock.

3. Daunte Culpepper — I will seriously punch this shitfuck in the face if I ever see him do this again.

2. Bryant McKinnie — Well, there was the time he ate out that hooker on The Love Boat for everyone to see, the time he went to the Pro Bowl, decided not to play and failed to mention that to anyone, and the time he assaulted a bouncer because he got kicked out of the club. McKinnie pretty much set the bar for what’s expected of a Minnesota Viking.

1. Bizarro Brett Favre — For making some of us forget Actual Brett Favre entirely and for making others look upon Actual Brett Favre less fondly.

Packers Vikings photobomb

About The Author

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

35 Comments on "Why the Minnesota Vikings Suck"

  1. Wiley

    And you call Minnesota fans Obnoxious and Ignorant?!?!?! What about the stupid Packer Bitch sticking her ugly face and finger in somebody else’s pic!?!?!? Classless, Go suck a BRAT!!

  2. E. Wolf

    Moss is ranked way too low. He should be number one. Even I am somewhat ambivalent about that certain ex Packer.
    Ryan Longwell should also be on the list,

  3. Samual

    I’m a Vikings fan and I found this hilarious.

    Good luck this season, I hope the NFC North is a fun, tough fight.

  4. Howard

    Even though we drafted that steaming pile of shit Sharper that serial rapiest should be on the list. You have to be sure Sharper honed his rapiest tendencies on the love boat cruises as a Viking.

    The Vikings fans are the worst fair weather fans around as their craze for domes prove. Have you ever noticed as the season reaches close to mid point how the obnoxious Vikings fans start thinning out and finally disappear. The only jerks that remain are the inbred Vikings fans that do not have the mental capacity to understand the season is over. So rather than be good fans and root there team on they have to be drunken, belligerent ass holes with no common sense of how stupid they are. In fact if they were not wearing jerseys with the name Farve, Sharper, Longwell, Jennings or Allen on the back of there jersey they would not even know there names as they pulled their heads out of there ass.

  5. knuclehead

    As for sentiment, yeah fuck those rods.

    However, I really don’t understand why you keep putting the picture up of that classless piece of shit flipping off that couple.

    If you look at that photo, it’s completely antithetical to your entire argument.

    You look at that photo and tell me who is the shit-hugger in the photo?

    The healthy, well educated, well behaved, bathed couple who look like they could be pediatricians?

    Or the complete piece of white fucking trash behind them, who is completely shit-faced, looks like she just smoked 2 packs of Cools and drank a liter of the cheapest fucking thing she could find on sale and in a plastic bottle?

    I hate seeing that photo every time because it makes me embarrassed to be a Packer fan.

    And you make an ass out of us every time you associate us with “her.”

    Your site rocks man, but don’t make yourself and us look a fool.

  6. knucklehead

    As for sentiment, yeah fuck those rods.

    However, I really don’t understand why you keep putting the picture up of that classless piece of shit flipping off that couple.

    If you look at that photo, it’s completely antithetical to your entire argument.

    You look at that photo and tell me who is the shit-hugger in the photo?

    The healthy, well educated, well behaved, bathed couple who look like they could be pediatricians?

    Or the complete piece of white fucking trash behind them, who is completely shit-faced, looks like she just smoked 2 packs of Cools and drank a liter of the cheapest fucking thing she could find on sale and in a plastic bottle?

    I hate seeing that photo every time because it makes me embarrassed to be a Packer fan.

    And you make an ass out of us every time you associate us with “her.”

    Your site rocks man, but don’t make yourself and us look a fool.

  7. Skinny

    Well done, brilliant post. You should have mentioned something about Twin City sport reporter blowhards Sid Hartman, Mike Max and Pat Reusse. The Vikings are one player away from the super bowl every year. Sid Hartman has the Wilfs on speed dial.

  8. king viking

    you have the nerve to insult Viking, that packer chic looks like a dude.i guess that’s what packer woman look like after years of sex with cows. now I understand cheese head.and I like those team colors,piss yellow and week old turd green.

  9. John Denver's Gavel

    Will their fans even show up to an outdoor stadium game after thanksgiving? It has to be tough being a viqueens fan, with all the losing. And as far as team colors go, your team colors are purple and yellow. How can a queens fan even talk shit about team colors?

  10. Don Q

    The best part about these posts is drawing out the thin-skinned viking fans. Their comebacks are that of a child.

  11. Shawn iltarion

    Not bad, not bad. But let me try.

    10. Cris Carter – Not low on my list because he was a great WR. However, thanks to this effin guy it is now customary for everyone to signal first down after gaining one. Jack ass. He also tebowed before Tebow and was loud in his faith. However, back then we had freedom of religion and no one cared. Now we have the freedom to keep your religion out of my face, or whatever we picked up from enlightened cultures like the Nazis.

    9. Fred Smoot, aka, the Love Boat Captain. Fred was such a miscreant that they didn’t even want him in DC. Minny took him in though.

    8. Zygi Wilf – Groucho Marx tried to buy a Lombardi Trophy. Didn’t work though.

    7. Ryan Longwell – Shortwell never missed a kick that it was his fault. Just ask him. Media in GB gave him a pass because he was a nice guy or some shit. Unfortunately, I don’t share such sentiments.

    6. Jared Allen – Redneck effin express coming your way.

    5. Percy Harvin – Practice? Man, we talking about practice? Not a game, which I die for, but practice. Man, I know its important (it don’t mean shit), I mean, really, I do, but we are in here talking about practice? Practice?

    4. John Tice/Brad Childress – Complete TOOLS.

    3. Darren Sharper – King of the junk time INT with the highly illegal fetish. Sorry, bro. Also one of the most overrated players in NFL history.

    2. Brent Favre – Not the Packer great Brett Favre, but some other jack wagon who hated the Packers apparently because they expected him to show up to training camp on time. Complete A-HOLE.

    1. Randy Moss – Pretty hilarious that Monty only has a problem with Moss’s mooning, which I thought was funny, as if Moss was a swell guy besides that. When he wasn’t taking plays off or giving parking ladies rides on the hood of his car, he was busy being such an intolerable ass that Minny got rid of him- TWICE. That’s like getting kicked out of Slipknot for being “too weird.”

  12. Troy Milton

    That’s a woman giving the bird? I thought it was a guy. You certainly have some good looking women. I hope that wasn’t your wife because I didn’t want to offend you.

  13. MGP

    Actually, i feel sorry about Mike Zimmer…

    At last, one chance to be Head Coach, but damn…the Vikings?!!

  14. warshire

    10 reasons the packers suck dick.

    10. A dick site like this. What is the purposeof this place. Delusions of self gratification
    9. Rodgers dick. This massive need you all have to suck it. He chokes all the time against san fran. Literally. It must be nice to look foward to that pounding over and over again.
    8. Arrogance. This belief that you are superior. Try a sluce to humility you poisers.
    7. This thing with hating our new stadium. I get it. You guys hate us because we will host a sb. Well move out of cow country. Get rid of your meth labs. And then maybe.
    6. The smell. Cow shit is still shit guys. Clean up.
    5. Get a new stadium
    4. Get a new oline. Your old one has a crack in it
    3. Take some humble pie. Its good for you.
    2. Grow up.
    1. Go outside. It will not hurt you fat asses to get some exercise

    • MGP

      “8. Arrogance. This belief that you are superior”.

      We are superior, bro…

      I don’t see any Lombardi’s in Minnesota…

  15. Don Q

    warshire, #1 what’s a poiser, and #2 what’s a sluce to humility. Are these things that the ever so obese slobs that occupy places like Elk River, MN. Honestly dude, there are some fat pieces of shit in Minnesota. I am a Packer fan and I work out in a Minnesota gym a minimum of 3 days a week. The obesity problems (just so you know) are everywhere in the U.S. and many parts of the world. Nice try though. You might want to try a little harder with the insults simple jack.

  16. Funny how those inbred purple choker fans try to insult packer fans. You queers can host a superbowl every year..you’ll sure as hell never win 1!! Inbred? Have you ever seensome of those trolls that root for your purple chokers..aka..that homeless cheerleader guy? Nice try douche..whats next gonna go on a San Antonio Spurs website and start spewing shit?

  17. Jeffro Bodean

    I understand the Packer female photo bombing above is the typical Packer female specimen. She looks beautiful to the average Lambeau Field fan after they have drank 15 beers and pissed their overalls!

  18. Occam's Tool

    In order to fund their abortion of a stadium, the State of Minnesota cut funding to Department of Services by $400 million dollars for 2106. The stadium budget, by the way, was $400 million dollars for 2016

    Minnesota already ranked 50th in the number of State Psychiatric Hospital beds per capita before the cut (yup, below Mississippi and Louisiana and New Mexico), and then, in an incredible brain flatulence moment, decided to tell the assembled Medical Directors of their remaining State Psychiatric Hospitals that to save money, they were contemplating cutting physician hours by 20-50%.

    It should be pointed out that the ONLY patients these hospitals were treating, due to PREVIOUS budget cuts, were people involuntarily committed for being an ACUTE danger to themselves and others due to severe mental illness. As a result of this announcement, 2 of the 3 State employee Psychiatrists for the Community Behavioral Hospitals have left, resulting in the need for replacement of them by more expensive temp agency MDs.

    The Vikings not only suck as a team, with players of questionable morals and behavior, but they have actively hurt their community and increased the dangerousness of living in Minnesota. I hope they go 0-16.

  19. JJD

    Where are you turds now? lol SKOL Vikes….good luck next year…maybe the space ships Aaron Rodgers has seen can take your team to the promised land…scrubs

  20. steve from international falls

    Rodgers was abducted by aliens in an effort to find his mojo. problem is they did some funny things to him and that is why he’s not been himself.

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