Why the Minnesota Vikings Suck
The Minnesota Vikings. The worst of the worst. A joke of an organization. A joke of a team. An even bigger joke of a fan base. The Vikings are known primarily for choking and an empty trophy case, but that’s not news to you. As if you didn’t know, here’s why the Minnesota Vikings suck.
Team: Minnesota Vikings
2013 record: 5-10-1
2013 was pretty much status quo for the Vikings after a fluke of a playoff season in 2012. The highlight of the season for the Vikings had to be the tie against the Scott Tolzien/Matt Flynn-led Packers. Because the bar gets set high in Minneapolis.
Coach: The Vikings ditched Leslie Frazier for Mike Zimmer after the 2013 season. Zimmer was the defensive coordinator for the Cincinnati Bengals. He’s noted for his fire and enthusiasm. He’s also noted for being the guy that got passed over for a head coaching job so many times he thought about giving up.
Everyone else’s second or third choice. Perfect to be the Vikings’ first choice!
He may or may not also be a leprechaun.
Quarterback: Oh boy. The Vikings spent most of 2013 trying to pretend that Christian Ponder is an NFL-caliber quarterback. You’re kind of forced to do that when you draft a guy in the first round that you probably could have taken in the third, as the Vikings did with Ponder in 2011.
Ponder put up 1,648 yards, 7 TDs and 9 interceptions in 2013. The previous season, he held the distinction of being the only quarterback in the NFL to start all 16 games and NOT throw for at least 3,000 yards. Solid.
The Vikings eventually turned to Kansas City castoff Matt Cassel. He was actually 3-3 in his six starts, which is great if you’re a Viking.
This year, the Vikings traded to get the last pick of the first round and draft the quarterback that no one seemed to want, Teddy Bridgewater.
These three all-stars are now in competition to lead the Vikings in 2014. Are you excited about that? You should be!
Why the Minnesota Vikings Suck
Oh my god. Where to even begin?
How about with their fans? Not only are they obnoxious and ignorant, but they’re more than happy to throw their obnoxiousness and ignorance right in your face. Because you know what? This is the Vikings year! They’re gonna tear the Packers apart this year! The Packers ain’t shit! They’re going down!
How many times have you heard a refrain like that? A million?
It’s never based on fact or analysis. It’s never even based in any sort of reality. It just IS.
That’s why Vikings fans, as a whole, are intolerable, insufferable pricks. But when you collect that many idiots in one geographic area and they start reproducing with each other, delusions of grandeur are bound to become commonplace.
How about their stadium? They finally got rid of the Humptydump and are in the process of building the Hormel Chili Dome. Yes, from one dome to another (minus a two-year stop at TCF Bank Stadium). Because we play football inside in the Midwest!
Oh, wait. No we don’t. Pussies.
How about the team itself?
You know, it’s hard not to like Adrian Peterson, despite his being a Viking. I mean, he’s a damn beast. Unfortunately for him, when he retires he’s going to realize that his career was a total and complete waste because he played for the Vikings.
The rest of these guys, well, one or two of them might be able to play special teams for the Packers.
You’ve got that garbage dump at the quarterback position, a bunch of mouth breathers on defense (seriously, look at Brian Robison and try not to laugh) and the ultimate me-first, whiny bitch in Greg Jennings.
He was born to be a Viking.
Okay, here’s where they don’t suck
Top 10 Minnesota Vikings Turds
The other two division foes only got five, but these are the Vikings we’re talking about.
10. Keith Millard — If you looked up meathead in the dictionary, there would be a picture of this guy. In 1989, this turd had 18 sacks and won the defensive player of the year award. He had eight sacks over the next three years of his career and then disappeared from the NFL. Roids must have worn off.
9. Onterrio Smith — Two words: The Whizzinator.
8. Greg Jennings — For reasons you are already fully aware of.
7. Brad Childress — Can you identify a pederast by sight? You can now.
6. Randy Moss — You know, if this shitbird hadn’t done this in Lambeau, he might be tolerable. Typical classless Viking.
5. Jared Allen — The Vikings really like players that fall into certain stereotypes and Jared Allen’s was dumb hillbilly. This guy really likes sheep. A LOT.
4. Cris Carter — Cris Carter was just a dick. He’s probably still a dick. He was the prototype for the selfish receiver. I very much enjoyed when he went into the Hall of Fame and opened his speech with, “Now, I’ve never won a championship…” That’s because you played for the Vikings, you cock.
3. Daunte Culpepper — I will seriously punch this shitfuck in the face if I ever see him do this again.
2. Bryant McKinnie — Well, there was the time he ate out that hooker on The Love Boat for everyone to see, the time he went to the Pro Bowl, decided not to play and failed to mention that to anyone, and the time he assaulted a bouncer because he got kicked out of the club. McKinnie pretty much set the bar for what’s expected of a Minnesota Viking.
1. Bizarro Brett Favre — For making some of us forget Actual Brett Favre entirely and for making others look upon Actual Brett Favre less fondly.
Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.