Teddy Bridgewater at the NFL Draft: total ecstasy

Hey, the 2014 NFL Draft just ended, but you know what? It’s never to early to grade those draft classes! Everybody’s doin’ it!

It’s like predicting a baby’s lifetime net worth before the doctor even wipes the afterbirth off. But who gives a shit about that?! Draft grades rule! And who better to give out these pointless fucking grades than us?

Nobody! That’s who!

We’re not going to grade the entire NFL though. I mean, seriously. Who gives a crap about what the Jacksonville Jaguars or Tampa Bay Buccaneers did?

Chicago Bears
All the Bears did in this draft was address their shitty defense. They took cornerback Kyle Fuller in the first, defensive tackle Ego Ferguson in the second and another defensive tackle, Will Sutton, in the third. All three of these guys are All Pros. I don’t mean in the future. I mean right now! Already slated into All Pro status for 2014, just ask any Bears fan. The Bears also took some safety from Minnesota in the fourth. Just by stepping foot in Halas Hall he surpassed M.D. Jennings on the depth chart. So with all this new defense to replace their old, crap defense, the Bears are clearly going all the way to the Super Bowl! And that’s why they get an A+.

Detroit Lions
What did the Lions need entering the draft? Well, they probably needed some defensive backs. They didn’t get one until the fourth round, but you know whoever that guy is, he’s the second coming of Night Train Lane. The Lions also got the draft’s best tight end in the first with Eric Ebron. They also god a good outside linebacker with Kyle Van Noy in the second. Most importantly, they got center Travis Swanson in the third. He can replace that flaming pile of pig shit Dominic Raiola. For that reason and because they reincarnated Dick Lane, the Lions get an A+!

Minnesota Vikings
The Vikings had 10 draft picks and guess what. All 10 of them a future Hall of Famers! How could I possibly know that already? Well, a bunch of Vikings fans told me. They’re always spot on when it comes to football knowledge. The Vikings had two first-round selections. With the first one they took outside linebacker Anthony Barr. With the second they took quarterback Teddy Bridgewater. You know what they got with those two picks? The 2014 defensive player of the year and the 2014 NFL MVP! That’s just how awesome the Vikings are. They’ll be facing the Bears in the Super Bowl this year. Impossible, you say? Not anymore. These two franchise are just so great, they will somehow make it happen! For landing the best offensive and defensive players in the entire NFL in one round, the Vikings get an A+.

Green Bay Packers
The Packers have expertly seen the future. It’s a future where all teams will employ the eight-receiver set. While some teams will be left scrambling because of their lack of receivers, Ted Thompson has put the Packers in a position to be ready. He drafted three receivers to go with the five he already has. You see? Perfect! The Packers also grabbed safety Ha Ha Clinton Dix in the first round, but they’ll be converting him to receiver once minicamp begins. His range and ball skills are sure to translate well. Eventually, the Green Bay Packers plan to give up playing defense altogether. They’ll just leave their offense on the field, which will confuse the hell out of the opposition. And they’ll have plenty of guys to do so with their nine receivers. For this forethought, the Packers get an A+.

Rest of the NFL
There were reportedly a bunch of other NFL teams that drafted some guys too, but shit breads shit. All of those teams picked a bunch of shitty players. That’s why they’re shitty teams to begin with. At this rate, everyone not in the NFC North will be drafting at No. 1 overall next year. I don’t even know how that’s possible, but we’ll leave it up to The Ginger to figure out. The rest of the NFL drafted a bunch of nobodies. That’s why they get an F.