Jared Allen fucks sheep

That stupid hillbilly Jared Allen will never win a Super Bowl and he just doesn’t care. Allen signed with the Chicago Bears today.

Sure, the Bears give Allen a better chance to win than his former team, the Minnesota Vikings, but then Melissa McCarthy has a better chance of winning a marathon than a guy with no legs. These things are relative.

Allen signing with the Bears signals one thing — don’t care! With Jay Cutler at quarterback the Bears now lead the league in — don’t care!

Allen could have signed with the Seattle Seahawks. They wanted him. They have a legitimate chance at repeating as Super Bowl champs. Nope. DON’T CARE!

Instead Allen joins a defense that’s older and more broken down than he is. You know, he could have gone and been a situational player on a great defense. Instead, he’s now the best pass rusher on a giant turd of a defense.

These assholes signed M.D. Jennings for god’s sake. That’s how bad they are.

The other thing that’s confusing about this decision is the choice of location. Chicago is the big city. Allen is a noted sheep fucker. Not many sheep in Chicago.

Somewhere like Jacksonville or Houston would seem more appropriate for that lifestyle.

Anyway, let’s all congratulate the Chicago Bears on assembling a roster perfectly capable of going 8-8!