James Jones

Hey, the Denver Broncos are throwing all kinds of money at name players in an attempt to either, A. become the latest version of “The Dream Team” or, B. surround Peyton Manning with so much talent that it’s impossible for him to do his usual playoff choke job. But who gives a crap about those assholes! Certainly not us! This is free agency news as it pertains to you, Green Bay Packers fan.

Packers free agents

As we reported earlier, the Packers lost safety M.D. Jennings to the Chicago Bears. The Chicago Bears… hahahahahaha… what a joke. Perfect marriage there. Meanwhile, linebacker Mike Neal is back in Green Bay for two more years.

We’ve got nothing on center Evan Dietrich-Smith who, surprisingly, hasn’t been signed yet. Could he be asking for too much? We’ve consulted the Magic 8-Ball and signs point to yes.

Receiver James Jones was the Packer whose name came up the most on day two. He was linked with the Detroit Lions on day one, but they went another direction (and you’re going to love which one). Now, he’s being linked to the New York Jets. If Jones signed with the Jets, he’d immediately become their best, second-best, third-best and fourth-best receiver. He’d also be quadruple teamed on every snap because the Jets receiving corps is AWESOME!!!! But hey, money talks.

Oh, and has anyone heard B.J. Raji’s name? Anyone? Neither have we. Surprising…

NFC North

The Lions got their receiver. He’s a guy you know and love — Golden Tate. This clown will be in the division for the next five years if he lasts his whole contract. The Lions gave him — a perfectly mediocre receiver — $31 million because that’s what desperate suck-assy teams do. Taint’s career high for catches is 64 and his career high for yards is 898. Both came last year.

The Vikings have been quiet and the Bears, other than the huge splash they made in signing M.D. Jennings, have been too.

Guys the Packers were “interested” in

Yes, the Packers occasionally express interest in someone else’s free agents. That interest usually turns into nothing because the Packers refuse to pay market value for anyone originating from another team.

The Packers were reportedly interested in some guy named Al Woods. He’s a defensive lineman that most recently played for Pittsburgh. Was he a starter? No, but why would the Packers want a guy who can start? Woods had 16 tackles and two sacks in 2013, which is pretty much equal to Raji’s production. Well, except for the sacks because Raji hasn’t had a sack in two seasons. None of this matters though because Woods signed a two-year, $5 million deal with the Titans Wednesday evening.