Mike Zimmer

Cue knee-slapping laughter! So, the Minnesota Vikings trotted out new coach Mike Zimmer for the media today.

Zimmer proceeded to talk about toughness and physicality. And of course, about how the Vikings are going to win a championship. Here we go!

“I’m determined to bring a championship to Minnesota,” Zimmer said. “I’ve got a chip on my shoulder. I want to make sure that 31 other teams know that I’m here and I’m ready to coach this football team.”

Ah, so you’re there and ready to coach that football team? Well, good to know. I bet there are 31 other NFL coaches who are wherever they are and ready to coach their football team, too.

I already dislike this guy. But then, he’s the coach of the Minnesota Vikings, so I would have disliked him even if he were Santa Claus.

Zimmer went on to make us envision a Kumbaya moment where he’s holding hands with the Marx Brothers. I mean, Vikings owners, the Wilf brothers (who also, not surprisingly, happen to be crooks).

“I can’t wait to stand on the podium with Zygi and Mark and Jonathan, and we’re standing on the podium, and we look up and the confetti is falling down on top of us, and we’re all hand in hand, and Commissioner Goodell comes over and hands the Super Bowl trophy to Mr. Wilf and tells him he’s world champion,” Zimmer said. “That is my goal and that is my drive.”

We’re touched. We really are.

Clearly, Zimmer isn’t fully aware of exactly what turd franchise he’s coaching, though.