Adrian Peterson

Ah, we’re glad to see everyone in the Minnesota Vikings organization is on the same page as usual.

In case you haven’t heard, the Vikings are awful this year. They’re currently 2-8. They have a rotating door at quarterback, but different sacks of shit keep walking through it. Their secondary is one of the worst in the league. So, can’t really move the ball and can’t really stop anyone.

Yeah, that’s how you get to 2-8.

Defensive end Jared Allen, who certainly isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, already sees the writing on the wall. The season is over, so it’s time to play with some pride and ruin someone else’s season… like the Green Bay Packers. And let’s face it, if the Packers lose to the Vikings when they’re this down, it doesn’t get worse than that.

“Obviously at 2-8, you’re trying to ruin everybody else’s season as well as yours, right?” Allen said. “So, they say, misery loves company. I hope this year no one makes the playoffs. So, it’s a division rival, going to win in Green Bay. I think it’s one of those places where it don’t matter what our record tends to be, but if we went up there and beat them in Green Bay, we got a little bit of bragging rights, especially after the whooping they gave us here. I try to tell our guys, ‘Heck, every week is like our Super Bowl.’ You go up to Green Bay, you might as well treat it as such, as a playoff game, and spoil their dreams along with whatever they’re trying to get accomplished.”

I told you he wasn’t that sharp. He wants to ruin everyone else’s season, but still wants to ruin his own? I don’t see how that’s possible. And he hopes no one goes to the playoffs? I mean, someone has to go to the playoffs. Unless I didn’t get the memo. Did they cancel the playoffs this year?

And just when you think a member of the Vikings can’t be any dumber than that stupid hillbilly, along comes Adrian Peterson.


The Vikings have shown so much promise this season! They’re this close to turning it around! They can totally reel off six wins in a row!

Notice Peterson told that to noted Vikings homer Tom Pelissero. Upon hearing the proclamation, Pelissero started convulsing uncontrollably. Worried, Peterson ran to get a doctor, but just then Pelissero let out a huge groan and stopped convulsing.

“Don’t worry AP, I just came in my shorts. High five!”

And in honor of Tom’s joyous, but messy afternoon, it seems appropriate to channel some Jim Mora.