And He Pulled Up in a Windowless White Van…
Was he handing out candy? That hasn’t been confirmed, but this has — our favorite coach of all time is back in the NFL after a brief period of unemployment. Former Minnesota Vikings coach Brad Childress has joined the Kansas City Chiefs coaching staff as “spread game analyst/special projects.”
Yes, good to have you back! What the hell is spread game analyst/special projects? You don’t want to know! Suffice it to say that van will come in mighty handy and, if Fatass Andy Reid doesn’t eat all of Chilly’s candy, the Scora from Aurora will be back in action!
Now, who wants a mustache ride!?
No, not you. You’re way too old.
So what has Chilly! been up to since directing the potent Cleveland Browns offense last season? Lots of things, it turns out. Here’s a rundown:
- Clipping mustache with a really small pair of scissors, so it’s just right
- Living in his parents’ basement and producing and starring in a local cable access show… oh, wait… that was someone else from Aurora… at least the TV show part…
- Giving mom a foot bath
- Saving up for this awesome windowless, white Econoline 150 he found on Craigslist
- Begging Fat Andy for a job so he can afford awesome windowless, white Econoline 150 on Craigslist
- Circling local elementary school during noon and, sometimes, afternoon recess
- Calling Brett Favre in the wee hours and leaving messages asking Brett why he won’t return Chilly’s calls
- Referring to himself as Your Main Man Chilly in those messages
- Drawing plays on his wall in the middle of the night in permanent marker where all the receivers either run backwards, to the other side of the field or in patterns the spell out Bret and calling them “Confusion Package”
- Getting yelled at by mom for drawing plays on the wall in permanent marker
- Eating lunch at Chuck E. Cheese’s
- Being ordered to move away from the ball pit by staff and then slinking away with his head down
- Rocking out to Steely Dan
- Watching old Vikings highlights in a dress and wig
Now those days are but a memory. Now Chilly! is back in the NFL where he belongs. Just keep a close eye on your children if you live in Kansas City.
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