Talking Trash with Purple Jesus Diaries: Playoff Edition
Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota Vikings. Playoffs.
There hasn’t been a bigger game between the good guys and those suckbags in a while, so we decided to trade a few barbs with the boys at Purple Jesus Diaries, who, unlike most Vikings fans, can occasionally string together a couple coherent thoughts in between bowls of Hormel Chili.
We posed the questions. They answered them.
So, you made the playoffs. How does it feel to actually be relevant in the NFL? Must take some getting used to for you guys?
Oh, you know, it feels great. In a season where every rational person was expecting the Vikings to end up 3-13 again because our team frankly isn’t that good, it just shows how shitty the rest of the NFL (and especially the division) is when our team of buttholes can coast to a 10-6 record and get into the playoffs, including beating the Packers in order to do so. It’s a little different than years past, I admit, having the national spotlight on us… except I guess for all those accolades we receive for having the best running back in the history of the NFL on our team, one of the top three receivers in the history of the game, and a pill popping former rival QB taking us to the NFC Championship. No Super Bowls though? Sure, but we DO still have a 1-0 record versus the Packers in the playoffs! That’s always something to rest our hat on.
When Adrian Peterson missed that rushing record, it must have broken your heart, huh? It certainly did mine.
Horrible. If you re-watch his last rush, it looks like he goes from running outside to cutting back in so your moron defensive backs are forced to tackle him in bounds, letting the clock run out. Like he did 2000-ish years ago, he sacrificed himself and his records for the betterment of others. I do really wish he would have gone out of bounds and the team would have lined up for one more run, because Adrian Peterson is averaging, what, 37 yards per attempt against the Packers this season? He definitely would have broken the record. But I guess having the SECOND best rushing season in the history of the NFL is OK too. I’d ask you guys what you think that is like, but you likely haven’t seen anything you want to call a running game in that land of poop since Samkon Gado.
So, Adrian Peterson, even I’ll admit he’s good. He must have been responsible for about 95 percent of the Vikings offensive production this season. Is it possible he can also play quarterback and defense? Seriously, I can’t think of one other player on the Vikings who would make the Mankato High JV squad. How did the Vikings win 10 games?
Did you know Mankato has the highest per-capita reported instances of STDs, I think, in the country? I never knew so many Wisconsin kids were so poor that they had to apply to Mankato instead of stay in state. Real brain buster there. Also, they have an STD clinic which skews the data, but that’s math talk, so don’t try to understand it. In response to your question, I don’t know. Really. I pegged them at about six wins, eight if they got stupid down the stretch. Instead, they went full gangbuster and finished 4-0 down the stretch. It’s been a lot of Adrian Peterson, but dough-faced Christian Ponder turned a corner once he got married and is getting equally lucky and smarter on his throws. The defense has been playing better too, which has made a big difference. I honestly can’t make any other excuses besides those things though, meaning, I have no legitimate answer for you.
The Vikings are going to sign Greg Jennings in the offseason, aren’t they? We all know the Vikings can only make a deep playoff run when they have a good supply of ex-Packers on the team.
I sure as shit hope so. I’d say we could trade Percy Harvin straight up for him, but Mike McCarthy is so dumb he’d probably try to convert him to cornerback. Obviously, in this upcoming game and going forward, the Vikings desperately need a better receiver than Michael Jenkins and Jerome Simpson. Jennings would fit the bill, and yes, retread Packers have treated the Vikings well. I don’t know if it’s because Packers management only likes their boys young, or if they only commit to aging stars if they commit sex crimes or get engaged to strippers to “prove” they aren’t gay (Destiny Newton, anyone?!), but anytime you jackoffs get too cheap to pay a player who is actually still good and want to send them our way, just shoot us an email. I mean, if you can find a public library with access to dial up in the next four days.
Okay, give me your deluded opinion on how the Vikings actually have a chance on Sunday. And then please throw in a Skol Vikings after whatever you say, because we all love it when Vikings fans say that.
I’ll skip on the “Skol Vikings” because I generally hate silly Vikings fans as much as you do, but I will say you dick noses are in for a big surprise. You’re vaunted “Lambeau mystique” is a load of Sasquatch shit, and no one is afraid of playing you in Lambeau at any point of an NFL season, including this stupid Vikings team that should be 3-13. We were on a fast track to washing your mouths out with soap earlier in the year before our engaged-but-not-married quarterback got blue balled and threw two stupid interceptions. That won’t happen again. The Vikings (aka, THE TEAM OF DESTINY) are 10-0 this season when they have a plus-or-wash turnover ratio. It simply means that if we don’t turn the ball over, or at least get one more turnover than you boneheads are likely to give us, we win. Simple as that. Peterson has only been averaging, what, like 205 yards against the Packers this season? So I’d expect a heavy dose of him too, in a cold weather game where your rookies are going to have their arms fall off after they try to tackle him. Then, it’s going to come down to a close game and — surprise! — a kicker will need to make a long field goal. I think I’ll take my chances with Blair Walsh over Mason Crosby outside any day of the season, especially the playoffs.
Good luck assholes, but always remember you only won one more game than this pathetic Vikings team did this year. Suck a boner. Vikes win, 33-30.
For a look at our answers to their questions and, more importantly, to leave them nasty comments, go to this page.
Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.