Packers vs. Bears: What to Watch For
The Green Bay Packers (9-4) face the Chicago Bears (8-5) for all the marbles — the marbles being the NFC North title.
With a win, the Packers will clinch it. The Bears will need a win Sunday and then some help from Green Bay to bring home the NFC North crown.
Who’s not playing?
Charles Woodson, Jordy Nelson, C.J. Wilson and James Starks are out this week. Terrell Manning and Donald Driver are questionable. The good news is, it looks like Clay Matthews and Mike Neal are ready to go. For the Bears, linebacker Brian Urlacher, cornerback Tim Jennings and receiver Earl Bennett are out. Defensive linemen Shea McClellin and Henry Melton are doubtful. Running back Michael Bush, linebacker Geno Hayes and defensive tackle Matt Toeaina are questionable. If any team in the NFL is more banged up than the Packers, its the Bears, who actually had to put their kicker on IR this past week.
Who should I bet on?
The line — in the majority of places — says Packers by 2.5. No one can actually win a game by 2.5 points. This is the first time in a long time we can be definitive. The Packers will put the Bears away and bring home the title. The time for fucking around is over. Take the Packers and give them 10 points if you have to. Fuck the Bears.
What to Watch For
Hello! Remember me? My name is Clay Matthews. I’m one of the best pass rushers in the league. Without me, your defense has generated a pathetic one sack in the past three weeks. I could do that inside two minutes. What does that say? Your defense sucks! But your defense is about to get a shot in the arm! It’s about to be injected with some Clay Matthews! You know what that means? That means your days of being a loser and sitting in the corner by yourself are over! That means your shitty defense is about to become awesome again!
Jay Cutler’s balky knee
Yes, everyone’s favorite hang-dog-whoa-is-me-face-having quarterback Jay Cutler has actually hurt himself again. Stop me if you’ve heard this. He tore a vagina muscle… sorry… his MCL. However, unlike that NFC Championship game where he decided to stand around on the sideline, Cutler will actually play this week. How is that possible, you ask? Well, apparently because he tore his vagina… wait… MCL, less severely then he did when he was on the big stage. In other words, not enough people will be watching this weekend for Cutler to quit on his team. At least, until he does quit on his team…
Big talkin’ mofos backing up what comes out of their stupid mouths
Brandon Marshall doesn’t like the Packers. He doesn’t like them because they shut his dumb ass down the first time the Packers and Bears met this season. Two catches, 24 yards. Yeah, Earl Bennett and my grandma could have that stat line on Sunday. In the meantime, Mr. Talk Before I Think, Jermichael Finley said the Bears were better off without linebacker Brian Urlacher, who’s currently on the shelf because he’s old and slow. So, let’s see… Which one of these loud-mouthed dicks are going to actually do something on Sunday? Our guess — Finley, because Urlacher is old and slow and his replacement certainly isn’t an upgrade. Also, because Brandon Marshall is a dick and Tramon Williams, Sam Shields or my grandma could shut him down. Brandon Marshall wishes he was an elite receiver, but is actually nowhere close to the category.
Lots of Fudgepacker comments
Have you ever noticed that Bears fans — being the illiterate fucktards they are — only ever have one comeback when you bash their crappy team? “You guys are fudgepackers! Hahahahaha!” You see, it takes the moniker Packers and combines it with a derogatory gay reference, which is then applied to fans of the Packers. It’s okay if you don’t get it. You’d have to be a complete fucking moron to even comprehend it, much less accept it as a proper slight. It’s kind of like when you were on the playground in kindergarten and some mean kid who was mad at you yelled out, “You’re gay!” You took it as a slight because you didn’t know what else to do. But now you’re an intelligent adult and, well, unfortunately, Bears fans are still that five-year-old idiot on the playground.
Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.