The Return of Football!!! What to Watch For
The NFL season finally kicks off tonight with the Dallas Cowboys at the New York Giants. Here’s what you need know and what you should look for.
Why the hell is this game on Wednesday and not Thursday like usual?
Yeah, I know, now you’re going to be hungover on Thursday morning instead of having the traditional start-the-weekend-early Friday morning hangover. This sucks and we recommend you start your Thursday with a Bloody Mary and maybe some uppers. But you’re wondering why the NFL has forsaken you in such a fashion. Well, there’s some stupid political convention going on this week and The Rog doesn’t want to piss off The Barack, who’s giving a speech on Thursday night, so he moved his game up to Wednesday.
Why the hell aren’t the Green Bay Packers playing?
Because The Rog hates the Green Bay Packers and everything else that is good and right. The opening-night game always features the previous season’s Super Bowl winner, so we’re automatically subjected to the torture that is watching the New York Giants. Last season, the Packers played the New Orleans Saints — the previous season’s Super Bowl winner — in the opening game. Quality programming. The year before, the Saints played the Minnesota Vikings in a rematch of the NFC Championship game. Quality programming. This year, the Giants play the Dallas Cowboys, who they face twice every season, and didn’t bother to make the playoffs last season. Real intriguing, especially considering the Packers are in fact on the Giants’ schedule this season. In other words, the NFL hates you and all fans in general.
What to watch for
Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo’s wife — Romo always chokes in the playoffs, but who really cares? He’s married to former Miss Missouri Candice Crawford. That’s the important thing.
Manning Face — Eli Manning is one of the blandest athletes in all of sports. He’s pushing Matt Ryan territory. The one noteworthy thing he does, other than win Super Bowls, is whine, cry, pout, and generally look lost and confused, much like his brother Peyton. At some point, Manning Face will be on display tonight, especially if things are going bad for the Giants. Also, look for Manning to say “der?” at least 15 times throughout the evening.
How many times the announcers talk about the Cowboys Super Bowl window — Let’s see, these assholes haven’t been to the playoffs since 2009. They’ve won a whopping one playoff game in the past decade. These shitbags never had a Super Bowl window and you can thank the finest general manager in the league, Jerry Jones, for that. Still, the Cowboys are all about hype. All style, zero substance. Hell, how do you think they got the opening game to begin with? That means the guys in the booth will be analyzing their “Super Bowl window” at least once or twice.
Backwards ballcaps — Wearing your ballcap backwards is the total bro thing to do. Right, bra? Tony Romo is a bro. Tony Romo is never seen in public without his ballcap on… backwards. Wearing it forward would be totally un-bro, bro. What is the first thing Romo’s son saw when he breached the vag? Backwards Starter cap. You’ll be getting a heavy dose tonight, too.
Enjoy the game!
Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.