NFL referee

The NFL sent a memo to all of its teams today with this great news: we’ll be starting the season with replacement refs.

Here’s what the meat of it said, along with our breakdown.

In light of the current state of negotiations, we will have replacement crews on the field when the regular season begins. We are a bunch of tight-ass motherfuckers, so your players and their safety can go fuck themselves. 

The replacements have undergone extensive training and evaluation, and have shown steady improvement during the preseason. Yes, we’re worth billions of dollars, but there’s no way in hell a bunch of referees are squeezing us for anther couple million. All those blown calls in the preseason? They’ve actually decreased week after week by SHUT THE FUCK UP! percent. 

We will continue the training with each crew and they will work as much of the regular season as necessary. Sure, this will totally decrease the quality of the product on the field, but as you know from last summer, we don’t care about the fans or the experience, only the dollars.

The replacement officials are dedicated and enthusiastic, have worked very hard to improve, and have persevered despite the attacks on their qualifications and performance. We are all grateful for their service to the NFL. You’re right, these guys are bush league. There’s a perfectly good reason they’re not NFL officials. Ignore those reasons or we will fucking kill you! They’re not bad, they’re enthusiastic! They aren’t sucking, they’re persevering!

As part of our effort to support the replacement officials, we will employ procedures similar to those in effect in the postseason. We will have an officiating supervisor from our staff in the replay booth at each game whose job will be to help ensure correct penalty enforcement, administration of rules not involving fouls, operation of the game and play clocks, and game administration. We know these guys are totally not up to par, but there will be someone lording over them in the booth above to bitch at them when they mess up. We anticipate this will reduce future mistakes by SHUT THE FUCK UP! percent.

The supervisor will be able to communicate directly with the alternate official on the sidelines. The supervisor will not be involved in either the instant replay system or any judgment made by the officials on the field. As in all games, the final decision will be made by the referee on the field and no decision will be revisited or changed once the ball has been snapped for the next play. Only the media will be pointing out the mistakes our replacement refs make. You will say nothing. We will say nothing. Everything will be perfect.

The memo goes on to detail some of the differences between the two sides (at least from the NFL perspective).

So how long does this idiotic stalemate go on? Probably until some team gets screwed out of a game or a star player gets hurt as a result of an officiating mistake.

Cross your fingers it doesn’t happen to the Packers.