Sam Shields Saga: Annotated!

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Sam Shields

Radar Online ran a report last week detailing the sordid affair of Green Bay Packers cornerback Sam Shields and his former girlfriend, who had been living together. As you might expect, it’s dumb, completely one-sided and nothing that we really care about. So, like we do with these things, we annotated it for you!

Radar first, followed by our comments.

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Green Bay Packers’ Sam Shields Leaves Fiancée Homeless, Throws Her Out And Takes Back Car

Green Bay Packers’ cornerback Sam Shields may need a lesson in chivalry.

And you may need a lesson in journalism, but who the hell cares? This is a juicy story, but do you think any of your 17 readers know who the Green Bay Packers nickel cornerback is? You should have just identified him as a guy who plays with Aaron Rodgers.

On Thursday, the 24-year-old football player unceremoniously threw his fiancée Melissa Lopez out of the home that they once shared, rendering her homeless, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting.

HOLY SHIT! YOU GUYS GOT A REAL SCOOP ON YOUR HANDS! AND WAY TO GET THE FUCKIN’ EXCLUSIVE! JUST WAIT TIL ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT CALLS TO INTERVIEW YOU!

Sources close to the couple told Radar that Shields initially split from Lopez last year and did so in the cruelest of ways.

Sources? Their neighbors, a family member or just some pissed off friend of Lopez’s that wants to make Shields look bad?

“He woke her up in the middle of the night, threw $300 at her and totally out of the blue ordered her to get out immediately,” the insider said. “He just told her he didn’t like her anymore.

Ah, this person is an “insider.” Are we talking about someone who was crouching stealthily in the corner like a ninja in order to be undetected while this happened? Or is it someone like that whistleblower Russell Crowe played in that movie?

“He told her that he had met someone else and she had to get out, right then and there. She gathered what she could and left and then lived out of her car for months and stayed on friends’ couches whenever she could.”

In Wisconsin we like to do something called “get a fucking job” so we can get stuff like places to sleep and cheese.

Shields apparently then had a change of heart back in January and told Lopez she could move back in and stay in the apartment until the lease expired in July while he went out of state.

God forbid he tell her to get a fucking job. 

But last week Shields told Lopez that he had changed his mind yet again and she was going to have to move out, immediately!

Shoulda made a friend with a spare room during this time instead of sitting on your fat ass watching The Price Is Right.

“Today he just showed up at the apartment with a moving truck — just out the blue — and moved all of the furniture and everything out of the home,” the source revealed.

Ah, there’s that ninja-like source again, who we’re pretty sure is Shields’ personal assistant since they have such intimate knowledge of his plans and actions. 

“He hardly even said a word to her. He just ignored her and helped the movers get everything out. When she asked him what she was supposed to do or where she was meant to go he was just cold and said, ‘I don’t know.’

1. Storage facility, 2. hotel, 3. airport.

“Melissa doesn’t have any family there. She just knows the other football wives and girlfriends so it’s complicated. He had totally given her the impression that they were going to get back together.”

See, that’s the problem with women. Just because you happen to make eye contact with them during sex, they think you’re in love. Keep your eyes closed! Think about Kim Kardashian!

The building manager has told the 25-year-old that she will have to vacate the property immediately because she doesn’t qualify to take over the lease on her own.

I wonder why she lacks the capital or credit that would allow her to sign a lease?

Shields signed a $1.2 million, thee-year deal with the Packers back in 2010.

If he didn’t play with his head up his ass in 2011, he’d probably be competing for a starting spot and looking at more money.

“Melissa moved to Green Bay to be with him. She was with him before he signed his big contract. They were together for three years and she really stood by him.

Ah, she must be entitled to half then. For, you know, moving to Green Bay with him and really standing by him.

“She was using a car that he was getting for free, all he had to do was give the rental company a signed ball and jersey. And he had the company come and take the car away from her too even though he wasn’t even paying for it.

It’s almost as if there’s a lesson to be learned here. I wonder what it might be? 

“Melissa has had to deal with a lot from him. He had told her that he only had two children. But she later found out he actually has three and maybe another one on the way as there’s a girl in Green Bay who is pregnant and wants him to take a paternity test.”

Shit, Shields went to The U. He’s got at least seven kids.

Shields had “no comment” when reached by RadarOnline.com.

Very nice conclusion there. Your attempt to reach Shields makes this story completely balanced. 

About The Author

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

9 Comments on "Sam Shields Saga: Annotated!"

  1. Cuban

    Linda hogan stood by her man too, so i guess she deserved to get everything he had, since she was also putting her body on the line all those years

    Cant these bitches get jobs, its all equal rights for women until the guy makes some money then leaves, all of a sudden theyre helpless little girls

  2. Shawn iltarion

    If lying flat on her back is how she “stands by her man,” then she indeed does a good job.

    Shields better learn to tackle or Heyward or House will be telling him to get the eff out.

  3. TC

    If this is true, then I have lost total respect for Shields. And will have no sympathy if he gets cut and is homeless.

    Anyone who does this to another person, and makes them homeless, deserves nothing in life.
    Its just heartless.

    I’ve read plenty of cold hearted posts by people on this on other websites, and just proves this world is full of bastards. One day it may come back to haunt them for their comments.

  4. TC

    And this article is a typical post by a bastard. One day you may be homeless yourself (whoever wrote this article). And just because you have a job now doesn’t mean you will have one later, there are no guarantees in life.

  5. TC

    Apparently this article is written by

    “Monty
    Monty is a writer and editor. In his spare time he enjoys beer, women, whiskey”
    —-

    Yeah, you sound like a real classy guy there. Not.

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