Bill Parcells

We can now formally put the thought of the Minnesota Vikings being relevant to rest. Bill Parcells, who the Queens wanted to give half the franchise, will not be coming out of retirement to coach Minnesota, the New Orleans Saints or Bud Light in the Bud Bowl.

Bill Parcells has informed the New Orleans Saints the he will not replace suspended coach Sean Payton and is staying retired, according to a league source.

The Saints wanted Parcells to replace suspended coach Sean Payton for the 2012 season and were considered the front-runner for his services. Of course, that didn’t stop Vikings owner Zygi Wilf from pursuing The Tuna.

Wilf, who’s currently stuck with the brilliant Leslie Frazier as head coach and the mastermind Rick Spielman as general manager, reportedly told Parcells to name his price and offered him full control of football operations. Later, he promised the coaching legend full access to his wife, but The Tuna was not swayed.

As it turns out, once Parcells realized he’d have to spend time in Minnesota, the Vikings were eliminated from contention.

We seem to remember some idiot saying “Skol Vikings” when the Parcells-to-the-Vikings rumors started. Just like a Vikings fan — get to the NFC championship game, proclaim yourselves Super Bowl champs.