Jared Allen Likes Touching Other Dudes’ Junk

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How the hell we missed this, I’m not quite sure.

It could be because the Minnesota Vikings are downright atrocious this season and absolutely no one is paying attention to them. It could be because Jared Allen is a stupid hillbilly and we could care less if he drives his ’85 Camaro off the side of a cliff.

Whatever it is, Vikings defensive end Jared Allen punched Atlanta Falcons defensive end and former teammate Ray Edwards right in the nuts. At the time, Allen was filling in as the Vikings long snapper for injured teammate Cullen Loeffler.

Well, he explained himself today. As you’d expect, there was brilliant rationale at work.

“Ray is obviously a former teammate and friend of mine.  I told him before the snap that he’s known for blowing up the long snapper on the field goal.

“So I told him: ‘You run me over here, I’m going to punch you square in your wiener, dude.’”

Square in the wiener. I didn’t know anyone called it a wiener anymore.

Oh yeah, we’re talking about Jared Allen. Never mind.

About The Author

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

11 Comments on "Jared Allen Likes Touching Other Dudes’ Junk"

  1. Mac

    Typical ahole packer fans…ripping a guy for being honest. Geez, you’d think you’d have better things to do going 11-0 and all but to rip on a guy in a game that means nothing to you. If it were your Packer ahole gang you’d be saying what a wonderful humane gesture by Allen to reach out and extend his helping hand/fist (whatever) to a comrade, how manly man of him. Instead you antifreeze swillin homophobes choose to push the homophobic inference of his touching the other dudes junk. Typical.

  2. Derek

    this would be the 2nd shot at the nuts the Vikings have taken. Football must reeeeeeaaallly be getting boring over there..

  3. Dickleback

    Huge packer fan but have to admit that Jared Allen is Awesome, haven’t you seen the video of him slaying a deer from a tree with a spear?? Dude is hilarious and he’s killin it this year. Too bad the vikings organization is terrible. 12-0

  4. PJD

    Trying to tell if Packer fans are jealous cuz they don’t have anyone this awesome on their team or if it’s because they wish JA had touched their wieners?

    I’ll hang up and take your response. Thanks. #trolololol

  5. Bill

    Allen is frittata and surely frustrated playing with a losing team. The action is uncalled for, but his explanation of the situation made me honestly laugh.

    Thanks for continuing to be a joke.

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