Five (More) Questions With Purple Jesus Diaries
As a primer for the Green Bay Packers Monday night game with the Minnesota Vikings we hit up those some cunts from Minnesota again and asked a few questions about their shitty team. Here are five more questions with Purple Jesus Diaries.
TP: Holy shit! You guys are on a one-game winning streak. How the hell did that happen?
PJD: Mostly luck, and thanks to playing another shitty team in the NFL who has a shitty kicker who missed a gimme field goal. But if you’re asking what the Vikings actually had to do with the win, what turned us around to actually get into position to get a win, the obvious answer would be inserting Pondexter into the starting lineup, but I don’t think that’s just it. Sure, he’s helped the offense immensely, offering them balls that don’t skip like rocks on one of our 10,000 lakes. On top of this, however, inspired offensive play has rejuvenated pieces on the defense. Jared Allen is playing lights out, Chad Greenway leads the team in tackles somehow, and even the cornerbacks — while terrible — have been playing LESS terrible. It’s not enough however, as they’re still huge liabilities to a pee wee football squad. So while the Vikings played great to snatch one remarkable win, I wouldn’t bet your shanty on it.
TP: Somehow, you dicks were competitive the last time we met. We were drunk, so we don’t really know how this happened. Actually, now that we think about it, we’re pretty sure the Packers were drunk too, so maybe that’s it. Anyway, in your ignorant opinion, please explain this.
PJD: You’re not as good as you think you are. You have a quarterback sporting a mangina that you’d all love to muff dive in, which helps you overlook the other glaring problems on your team, namely your unreliable running game and suspect defense. It’s a rationalization technique, I suppose, and one that will make your defeat in the playoffs that much sweeter.
Also, you were probably just sleep walking through the game, because, come on, who would have thought the Pack would have needed to bring their A game to play the, at the time, one-win Vikings?!
TP: The Vikings have two wins this season. You have no chance of going to the playoffs. What are you looking for out of this season? What do you need to do to be competitive again in the NFC North? I mean, right now, the division is loaded. Maybe three playoff teams. Maybe the best division in football. I know you guys are delusional and think you’re gonna be awesome every year, but is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Or is it cool if you toil in fourth place for the next 10 years? And frankly, that’s cool with us, so feel free to say yes.
PJD: I will NOT say yes! After we win Monday, and if we go on a nice eight-game winning streak we MAY just sneak into the playoffs. Just kidding, I’m not that delusional. 2011 as a whole has all been about Christian Ponder, even when it was Donovan McNabb playing. There aren’t a ton of other rookies or young players that we need to “figure out” or look forward to. We know what we have, outside of Ponder’s perceived potential, and it’s not really that great. Literally, his development is the only thing we have to look forward to and the only thing of interest. Outside of Purple Jesus trucking Charles Woodson’s cheating ass.
Going forward? This is a heavy question. On one hand, while the Bears and Lions are playing fine right now, I’m not buying into the ideas that they’re unbeatable by any means. I don’t even think either team are necessarily a top six team in the NFC. All it would take for the Vikings is a true number one receiver (Justin Blackmon?), a reliable left tackle, and a couple of players on defense to make this team just as competitive as the Lions and Bears. Would that make us Super Bowl ready? Probably not. But to do that we’d probably need a new coach and new GM, because Rick Spielman is a dick.
TP: Christian Ponder has been an upgrade over that schlub Donovan McNabb. He’s thrown for over 200 yards in each of his first two games as a starter. He had a 102.7 rating against Carolina. Both of these things are impressive, considering he’s a rookie. More so, because he’s a Viking. What’s the difference between McNabb and Ponder? Also, how often do you dream of him at night, only to wake up and have to change your sheets?
PJD: The main difference, as mentioned, is Ponder put some air on his balls and doesn’t skip them to his receivers. Vikings fans have been able to notice a significant difference in slant passes actually hitting receivers in stride. Such a novel idea for a quarterback, to do their job and all. Also, Ponder has just been making solid decisions. If it’s a broken play, he’ll run. If there’s no one open, he won’t take a sack but will scramble for yards or throw the ball out of bounds. He does have two Master’s degrees, after all. Genius.
I do dream of him at night, mostly him and Rodgers softly kissing each other on the lips while rubbing grape seed oil into each others chest hair, and just before I wake up Ponder brushes his mouth against Rodgers ears and whispers “Discount Double Check,” at which point Rodgers arches his back and I awake in a fright. Gripping stuff.
TP: I’d ask you what it’s going to take for the Vikings to beat the Packers in Lambeau, but we all know that isn’t going to happen. Instead, I’ll ask you this. I know you’re seething with anger because the Packers are so good. I know you’ve been thinking of witty responses to this question all week. Tell us just how much it sucks that we’re 8-0 and you’re 2-6. Tell us how you feel about the Packers being the favorite to win their second Super Bowl in a row while the Vikings are an afterthought. I imagine that must really suck. So go ahead and let it all out.
PJD: Eh, I don’t really give a shit. There are probably other Vikings fans out there that are up in arms about it, that are seething inside because of how reliable the Packers have been, but it is what it is. I actually don’t expect you guys to win the Super Bowl this year. I think the AFC teams are playing with much bigger balls this year. The Vikings suck bad, and when they suck THIS bad all you can do is blame your own team. Will I be cheering for Rodgers to break his ankle? … No, that’s a bit too far, but I do hope you lose all your games. Mostly, after you get a large lead, and then piss it all away. I like it when they cut to the fat Packer fans in the stands who are hitting their wives, modeling their favorite Packers players.
PJD: Vikings win, 33-27. For $100, I’ll sell you the weed I’m smoking.
Purple Jesus Diaries is a Minnesota Vikings blog where fans of the team who hate the players and themselves come to talk shit and make fun of other teams’ fans and players, especially inbred hicks like the Packers. Milwaukee is your largest city? How French-Canadian of you! Let’s also get this insult out of the way: “Stupid Viking fan! You can’t talk shit until you and your worthless team wins a Super Bowl or FIVE!” I don’t give a shit, you shirtless fatwad. I didn’t know we were counting the football championships won by gay quarterbacks and against the YWCA in 1892. If that’s the case, congrats! You’re so much better! Also, no one gives a shit. Until you have more Super Bowl wins than the Stillers, you’ll always be second best. Or something. I don’t even care.
Check out their interview with us here.
Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.