Here’s a look around the NFL after seven weeks. Let us know what you think. Hang on!
The Weekly WTF?
Denver Broncos — Did anyone outside of Florida Gators fans and the delusional Broncos faithful really think it was a good idea to turn things over to Tim Tebow? Yeah, the Broncos won the game on a field goal in overtime against the winless Miami Dolphins, but their offense played like shit the entire game. As a friend of ours who’s a Broncos fan said, “Everyone was right about Tim Tebow in that game.” Yeah, he led them to a win, but he looked like less than an NFL quarterback in doing so. His final line: 13-of-27 for 161 yards, two touchdowns, no interceptions, nine rushes, 59 yards. The Broncos didn’t take a shot downfield all game as far as we can remember.
New Orleans Saints — I don’t care who you’re playing. Hanging 62 points on anyone in the NFL is impressive. The Saints may have been playing the winless, hopeless, terribly-coached Indianapolis Colts, but 62 points is 62 points. It’s unheard of in the NFL. Drew Brees threw five touchdowns. Do you want to see these assholes in the playoffs? We don’t.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Can someone tell us what’s up with this team? They finish last season 10-6, just out of the playoffs. They’ve scored wins over both New Orleans and Atlanta this season, but then they get thumped by San Francisco two weeks ago and beat by a mediocre Bears team in London this week. We thought they were past the good, young team phase and were becoming just a good team, but their play so far this season says otherwise.
Baltimore Ravens — Someone, who shall remain nameless, insinuated these assholes were the class of the AFC last week. At the time we essentially had them pegged as a team that could beat or lose to anyone in the regular season, but didn’t have the moxie to win in the playoffs. Their loss to Jacksonville on Monday — a game where they only scored seven points — proved our theory to be correct.
Oakland Raiders — It doesn’t matter how you analyze it, a 28-0 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs if embarrassing. Further, we now think running back Darren McFadden, who led the league in rushing coming into the game, is a vagina for sitting out almost the entire contest with a foot injury. If he didn’t pull a Jay Cutler in that game, then we don’t know what…
1. Green Bay Packers (7-0) — If the secondary and pass rush ever round into shape, the rest of the league may as well stop playing.
2. New England Patriots (5-1) — Anyone see any similarities between these guys and the Packers? The Pats are last in the league in pass defense, one spot behind the Packers. They’re first in the league in total and passing offense. The Packers are fourth and third in those categories.
3. San Francisco 49ers (5-1) — They’re the only other one-loss team in the league besides the Pats. Do we really believe they’re the third-best team in the NFL? No, but it’s hard to argue with results and until Jim Harbaugh’s teams shows otherwise, they belong here.
4. New Orleans Saints (5-2) — They can be pedestrian at times, but Drew Brees & Co. seem to shine when the spotlight is on. They hung 62 on the Colts in prime time. In the top four, this is the team that scares us the most. Like Aaron Rodgers, Brees is a surgeon on the field.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2) — The Steelers started slow and they have several issues, including a below-average offensive line and an aging, beat-up defense, but they’re the Steelers. They find a way to win. They’re doing it again this season.
6. Buffalo Bills (4-2) — The Bills are really only here because so many other teams were monumental disappointments in week seven. That’s not to take anything away from Buffalo, who’s coming off their bye week, because they can score with anyone. The question is whether their defense can keep them from getting into a shootout every week.
7. San Diego Chargers (4-2) — They lost in embarrassing fashion to the Jets on Sunday, with Crybaby Phil Rivers throwing two interceptions that essentially cost them the game. They have a terrible coach. We all know they’re not going anywhere in the playoffs. Yet, the Chargers are still somehow the best the AFC West has to offer.
8. New York Jets (4-3) — Maybe we’ll finally have to start taking the Jets seriously again. Maybe… If Sunday’s game were in San Diego, we’re pretty sure the Chargers would have won, though.
9. Detroit Lions (5-2) — Shit! Be careful! Don’t sprain your ankle jumping off that Detroit Lions bandwagon! We told you they were going to come back to earth and now that they’ve lost two in a row, we’re pretty sure expectations have been put in check. We give Ndamukong Suh points for taunting Matty Ice after his own shitty offensive lineman injured his ankle, though.
10. New York Giants (4-2) — Shit, somebody from the NFC East had to make this list, didn’t they? We seem to recall hearing something about how the NFC East was the best division in football earlier this season… hahahahahahahaha!
1. Aaron Rodgers — 2,372 yards, 20 TDs, 3 INTs, 125.7 rating — Mike McCarthy thinks he’s Joe Montana.
2. Drew Brees — 2,477 yards, 18 TDs, 8 INTs, 104.6 rating — Nice five touchdown game, jerkhole!
3. Tom Brady — 2,163 yards, 16 TDs, 8 INTs, 104.8 rating — Not seeing a big difference between Brady and Brees at the moment.
4. Adrian Peterson — 712 yards, 8 TDs, 4.9 ypc — Gouged the Packers for 175 and 7.3 ypc. Too bad he’s being wasted on the Vikings.
5. Steve Smith — 39 rec, 818 yards, 3 TDs, 21 ypr — Welcome back Steve Smith! He makes it completely evident the differences between Jimmy Clausen and Cam Newton.
1. Kyle Boller/Carson Palmer — They combined to throw six interceptions on Sunday in a 28-0 loss to the Chiefs. Well done, dickbags.
2. Matt Ryan — 1,683 yards, 9 TDs, 8 INTs, 79.5 — That’s right, Matty Fucking Ice. Someone tell me this prick is in the same class as Aaron Rodgers now. Not only is he having a completely average year, his ankle got rolled by his own offensive lineman.
3. Joe Flacco — 1,415 yards, 8 TDs, 5 INTs, 76.2 rating — He’s the Matt Ryan of the AFC. He was able to lead his team to exactly seven points on Monday against Jacksonville.