Five Questions With Purple Jesus Diaries
As a primer for Minnesota Vikings week we asked some cunts from Minnesota a few questions about their shitty team. Here are five questions with Purple Jesus Diaries.
TP: Good job on that Donovan McNabb signing. We assume the rationale went something like this — “Hey, so let’s go get ourselves a quarterback who’s washed up and got benched in favor of Rex Grossman last season. I think he probably just needs a change of scenery. I think Donovan McNabb is the answer.” I mean, I know you’re a bunch of dipshits, but did anyone in your backwards-ass state really think that was going to work? And I’d again I’d like to point out he got benched so Rex Grossman could take over. REX FUCKING GROSSMAN!
PJD: Oh, that same shitty Rex Grossman player that had a 3-1 record as a starter in Chicago against the Packers? Yeah, I guess we thought that if that stupid fuck could beat you then his dumbass backup could steal at least one game from the Packers too. I don’t know if the team thought it was going to work, per se, but maybe not suck nearly as bad as it has. And, from a general NFL fan perspective, this whole Donovan thing is just weird, man. He had an 80 percent completion rate last week against the Bears, the same week the team got curb stomped. McNabb is/was certainly a problem, but for anyone to think he’s THE problem on this super fun Vikings team is way off base. Also, he’s fat and we hate fat people in Minnesota, hence the hatred for Wisconsin fans!
TP: It’s kind of a comedy of errors over there, which, let me tell you, we’re really enjoying. So you sign the dude who was determined to be inferior to Rex Grossman and totally reach for Christian Ponder in the draft. I don’t know what geniuses are making these decisions, but you know you could have picked him in the third round, right? Have you already deluded yourself into believing this was a great pick and Ponder is the second coming, or are you going to wait until he manages to win five games in a season?
PJD: Picked him in the third round? Uh, no. We could have had Ryan Mallett in the third round, maybe, which would still have been infinitely better, but before that the rest of the viable QBs in the draft class were gone by pick four in the second round with Colin Kapernick, who, whatever. I’d rather be stuck with Ponder. I don’t think anyone thinks he’s the second coming of a straight Aaron Rodgers, but he also doesn’t look like Don Majkowski. The truth is, shit is so bad over here that as long as he completes a slant pass chances are we’ll be happy. If he pulls five wins out of his ass it will be a miracle.
TP: How does it feel to never have won a Lombardi Trophy? I only ask because I have no idea. That reminds me — gotta polish those.
PJD: Oh my god! I don’t think I’ve ever heard a trophy joke before! Holy shit, did you just make that up?! Wow… Packers fans: innovators and pedophiles! That should be your new slogan.
TP: Alright, so you’re starting Ponder at quarterback, which will probably work out really well, we know AP is a beast and we know that dumb hillbilly can rush the passer. Other than that, we really have no idea who the hell even plays for your shitty team. Is there anyone other than the people I named who can make an impact on this game or is Ragnar getting reps these days?
PJD: I would hope they put Viktor the Viking in before Ragnar. That guy is a douche. I would be worried a little bit about Percy Harvin. I don’t know why Packers fans seem to forget about him. He torched three of your retarded defensive backs when Favre came back and blew his load all over your faces in 2009. And he’s just getting better. Of course, Harvin doesn’t matter as much if the Vikings don’t have a QB who can even get him the ball, but you still have to know where he’s at in the case of end arounds and reverses. Literally, beyond him, I wouldn’t worry about anyone else. I would maybe add the punter Kluwe because he’s the only other person on this team not completely insufferable.
TP: Lastly, we have a three-part question and, as a reminder, three is the number that comes after two. First, how many points are we going to win by? Hypothetically, if we only played our third string, how many points would we win by? What sort of anomaly would need to occur for the Vikings to win on Sunday?
PJD: Oh, I thought three was how much it cost to get a hand job from your mom? 1. I think I saw you guys were only favored by 7, which just baffles me. If you don’t win by at least … 21? 24 points? … I’d say you had a pretty bad day as a team. 2. With third stringers in, you’d win by -2. 3. The only way the Vikings can win is if Aaron Rodgers gets hurt, your backup quarterback doesn’t have arms to throw the ball down field, and you chose to have that brilliant “Soar Eagle” ex-Boston College defensive tackle B.J. Raji put in at running back for the entire game. I’d feel pretty confident that the Vikings would be able to score more points than your team, but it’d still be a nail biter.
Purple Jesus Diaries is a Minnesota Vikings blog where fans of the team who hate the players and themselves come to talk shit and make fun of other teams’ fans and players, especially inbred hicks like the Packers. Milwaukee is your largest city? How French-Canadian of you! Let’s also get this insult out of the way: “Stupid Viking fan! You can’t talk shit until you and your worthless team wins a Super Bowl or FIVE!” I don’t give a shit, you shirtless fatwad. I didn’t know we were counting the football championships won by gay quarterbacks and against the YWCA in 1892. If that’s the case, congrats! You’re so much better! Also, no one gives a shit. Until you have more Super Bowl wins than the Stillers, you’ll always be second best. Or something. I don’t even care.
Check out their interview with us here.
Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.