NFC North: Free Agents, New Starters And Other Nonsense

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Jay Cutler

Things are really looking swell for Jay.

With everyone in the rest of the country drooling over the [intlink id=”374″ type=”category”]Philadelphia Eagles[/intlink] and everyone in Wisconsin starting the repeat chant, it’s easy to forget about the rest of the NFC North.

Well, it turns out those assholes are playing some football now too. Someone among the [intlink id=”13″ type=”category”]Chicago Bears[/intlink], [intlink id=”126″ type=”category”]Detroit Lions[/intlink] and [intlink id=”35″ type=”category”]Minnesota Vikings[/intlink] has to finish second in the division and they’re all trying real hard claim that honor.

Here are the bullet points, in a decidedly non-bullet-point format.

Chicago Bears
For the first time in the [intlink id=”405″ type=”category”]Jay Cutler[/intlink] era, the Bears will have a decent offensive line… wait, no, that plan went to shit again. The Bears drafted Wisconsin’s Gabe Carimi in the first round of the draft to play left tackle. They’ve already moved him to right tackle. The Bears were targeting several offensive linemen in free agency and pretty much shat the bed in trying to acquire any of them. General manager Jerry Angelo then alienated their one solid offensive lineman, free agent center Olin Kruetz, and decided to replace him with former Seattle center Chris Spencer.

However, if you’re a Bears fan there is some good news, at least if you’re a Bears fan who also likes washed up former [intlink id=”140″ type=”category”]Dallas Cowboys[/intlink]. The team finally addressed their mediocre receiving corp by adding… two more mediocre receivers — Roy Williams and Sam Hurd. On the positive side, Williams and Hurd finally give Cutler a pair of bigger targets. And if you’re a mediocre receiver no one else wants, at least you know you can always get a job in Chicago. The team also added running back Marion Barber, another guy released by the Cowboys.

The Bears are essentially the same team as last year, another year older and with more Cowboys.

Minnesota Vikings
The Vikings big move was trading for quarterback Donovan McNabb, who frightens a lot of people. Just ask the teams in NFC East how scared they were of the Redskins last season.

The team lost receiver Sidney Rice to the Seahawks and replaced him with Michael Jenkins, formerly of the Falcons. In seven seasons, Jenkins has never exceeded 800 receiving yards. He’s probably due for a huge season, though, don’t you think? McNabb to Jenkins will surely go down in Vikings lore as one of the greatest combinations ever, just ask any Vikings fan.

The team lost defensive end Ray Edwards to Atlanta and will replace him with Bryan Robison. These guys are pretty much the same player. In fact, you could probably put a cardboard cutout of Chewbacca at the defensive end spot opposite [intlink id=”6″ type=”category”]Jared Allen[/intlink] and that would work just fine.

Finally, the dumbest guy in the building, left tackle Bryant McKinnie, has lived up to his billing once again. McKinnie reportedly showed up for camp overweight and was put on the non-football injury list. The Vikings signed Charlie Johnson from the Colts and he may end up replacing McKinnie.

Vikings fans have an inferiority complex because their team is inferior. This will be your most inferior team in some time.

Detroit Lions
The Lions are improved. HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE!

They’ve added HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE!, which will probably allow them to make a playoff push this season. HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE!

They still have a glaring need at cornerback, but HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE!

Their defensive line HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE!

This Lions team HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE!

About The Author

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

21 Comments on "NFC North: Free Agents, New Starters And Other Nonsense"

  1. Ken

    This was probably the best NFC North preview I’ve read.

    I’d like to note my asshole Viking friends can’t shut up about TE Kyle Rudolph.

  2. Jack

    …on the Bears….might I add, that Cutler is still crying about the marriage that should have been – he might still be crying come december!

    Vikings; I heard they are bringing in Favre as a back-up (no I havent) and he is thinking about going for it if he gets to slap Jared Allens’ ass again (think he likes it)

    Lions….you forgot: “Hype”…..oh and they got 2 DT that eat raw meat……but its ok, because they lack….u know…..a brain…….!

  3. Restore The Roar

    wow you must be scared of the lions we did beat that filthy pack last year and knocked out your oh so great Aaron Rogers remember and that d line will kick ur ass again this year. The Bears and the Vikes they do suck and no good offseasons moves were made but give credit the LIons are making moves so watch out haters F**k THE CHEESE

  4. guysocke

    I’ve been a Packer fan living in Chicago my entire life. Every year around this time I’m subjected to Bear fans spewing biased bullshit out of their big mouths. The shit-talking that went on following the Cutler trade is especially hilarious to look back on now that Aaron has a ring and Jay has become a walking (or should I say, limping) punchline. Anyway, things have been really quiet around here so far this summer. Maybe they have realized the height of their team’s potential this year is an 8-8 season, but that hasn’t stopped them before.

    • ri

      Yeah, I agree guysocke. I’ve lived in Chicago for 12 years and I can honestly say that this is about the most quiet that I have heard Bears fans before a season begins. The Olin debacle is really going to mess them up.

      Bottom line, Lions got better, Bears were lucky last year and the Vikings will be a joke again. Most importantly, it our division to lose!

  5. Brent

    Bears: Cutler looks like he suffers from down syndrom..

    Vikings: I recently met a Vikqueens fan who was convinced that McFlabb won the MVP award last season… F’n idiot…

    Lions: who is going to be their quartback this year after Stafford breaks his pinky nail?

  6. Bleed Purple

    Wow….you can tell that you’re a Fudge Packer Fan! This article was written at a 3rd grade level. It has been scientifically proven that offspring from the same gene pool decreases intelligence significantly, and you are exhibit A. It only makes sense that there is a gay dating site in the side advertisements to go along with this Uber Gay forum! F the pack!

    Go VIkes

    • TyKo Steamboat

      ViQueens fan bitter from an empty trophy case, a hole in the roof of their stadium, purple jerseys and a team whos only success dies in NFC Championship games…Skol ViQueens!!! Have fun going 4-12 loser!!

    • DevilDon

      So if you ever needed proof that ViQueens fans are completely out of touch with reality…
      He’s whipped out the “you’re stupid” argument.
      Also, the article makes a lot of solid arguments, but I’m just not sure that the Lions aren’t a bit hyped.

    • TyKo Steamboat

      Lions will be very good this year…10-6 maybe?? But their secondary is still weak and Stafford is ‘Corky’ from ‘Life Goes On’…It will be a nice season for you…but you’ll still have another ‘Bummer of a Thanksgiving’ :(

  7. Brent

    @bleed purple
    I wouldn’t talk about people being gay, your team has a set of erect purple horns on their helmets…

  8. Vijay

    Um, how many more Championships do those Packers have again? Oh yeah, way more than the ‘other guys’ in the division. Ah, jealousy…such a lame, bitter way to be…WORLD CHAMPS GREEN BAY PACKERS!!!

    P.S. The Bears are more than respectable historically speaking…the others have no room in this conversation- ever.

  9. Shawn iltarion

    HAHAHA!!!! Some things will never not be hilarious, like Dennis Green’s “they are who we thought they were” speech, and Viking fans continuing to talk junk as their trophy case sits empty and their lives continue to digress to misery.

  10. Torrence

    Detroit does have hype for the first time in over 30 years. Please, let us at least have this! By the way, we don’t have glaring needs at cornerback. Everyone remembers the New England game, but prior to that and even after that our corners held up okay!

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