Michael Jenkins


I love Bleacher Report… when I need a laugh.

I mean, no offense, but most of the items published there insult my intelligence. No, you don’t have to end every headline with a question mark. No, you don’t have to refer to yourself in the third person, unless your name is Jimmy. Yes, you can use spellcheck or even let someone give your work a proofread.

Anyway, all of us at Total Packers were in a Bleacher Zone-free world until this dynamic piece of work popped up in our Green Bay Packers news feed: Are the Green Bay Packers Oblivious to the Threat Growing in Minnesota?

Before looking at the source, I clicked on the link. I thought, “What? Really? The growing threat in Minnesota? Is a fucking hurricane inexplicably developing over land around the Twin Cities?”

It turns out, we had a Bleacher Report post written by a [intlink id=”35″ type=”category”]Minnesota Vikings[/intlink] fan on our hands.

I can’t even explain. I’m certain this what you get when dumb and insecure make a baby, though.

Here’s the annotated version.

Are the Green Bay Packers Oblivious to the Threat Growing in Minnesota?

The Minnesota Vikings and the Green Bay Packers have had polar opposite approaches to winning the Super Bowl these past five years.

Uhhh… the Vikings haven’t won a Super Bowl in the past five years.

Green Bay decided to keep its own free agents and sign undrafted and drafted agents alike to build up their Super Bowl team. The only two exceptions to this philosophy of team building were the signings of Charles Woodson and Ryan Pickett.

The Minnesota Vikings poured all their eggs into one basket by reaching Brett Favre at a time when they had players like Adrian Peterson and Jared Allen playing in their prime.

Everything was clicking right for the Vikings in 2009, but everything collapsed in 2010.

Have you ever heard about the scorpion and the frog? Oh wait, I don’t need to tell you about that. Favre has always been and always will be a Minnesota Viking from what I hear. You already know what he does in the playoffs!

With free agents like Sidney Rice, Brett Favre and Ray Edwards leaving the team, it’s easy to believe that this “one and done deal” for the Vikings is over and that they won’t emerge again for a while.

Yet somehow, they’re managing to slowly but surely put some pieces back together.

If by “pieces” you mean retreads and castoffs, then yes. The Vikings are absolutely putting some pieces back together, folks! Fear not!

For starters, they have a new head coach in Leslie Frazier, which any Minnesota Viking fan is happy to take over Brad Childress.

Yeah, but he was a pedophile, so…

They’ve drafted a first-round quarterback in Christian Ponder and possess a one-game wonder in Joe Webb. But neither will be the starter this year.

That’s actually a nice use of grammar there. The Vikings absolutely drafted a first-round quarterback. No one can argue because, hell, he was drafted in the first round! I wonder if he was a first-round talent, though? Hmmm…

Donovan McNabb has been traded to the Vikings, and he has no intention of being a back-up of any sort. And neither does the Vikings’ organization.

Well, just because the organization doesn’t have any intention of being a backup, doesn’t mean they won’t be. The skilled kids usually get picked first and then the cool kids and so forth.

The way this author sees it, Donovan McNabb just had a really bad year last year, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see him make a comeback.

You’re right, players usually get better with age. It’s like dating. I always ask myself, What would I rather have? A spry, young girl with a tight body whose pussy turns into sunshine when she throws it into the air or Donovan McNabb? Clearly, this is why I’m dating Donovan McNabb.

The Minnesota Vikings have acquired free agent wide receiver Michael Jenkins of the Atlanta Falcons and wide receiver Devin Aromashudo of the Chicago Bears.

Michael Jenkins never really dazzled in Atlanta, but he was certainly a contributor. Devin Aromashodu never got along with offensive coordinator Mike Martz, and for that reason, Chicago never re-signed him.

For those of you who don’t know, Aromashudo began to break out late in the 2009 season, and some have speculated that he’s one of the receivers that is bound to have a break-out year.

With those two, combined with Visanthe Shiancoe, Percy Harvin and Bernard Berrian, you have to admit that this receiving corps suddenly looks like it has potential again. Maybe even a lot of potential.

Do I have to admit that? Did I sign something? Where the hell is my lawyer?

And who can forget No. 28, Adrian Peterson?

Ugh. Who can forget that donkey show we saw in Tijuana? That’s what I want to know!

Adrian is now full-package, real deal with the fumbling problem now long gone. Not only does this guy have all the explosiveness in the world, but even though he’s been playing the NFL for as long as he has, he’s still only 26 years old, which is plenty young enough for any running back.

Toby Gerhart will have another year of experience under him, so from this, one has to conclude that Minnesota’s run game could be one of the best in the league next year.

I predict 2,000 yards rushing for both of them. No one can stop these guys, especially with threats like McNabb throwing the ball and Jenkins catching it!

Their defense has taken a toll back however with the aging Pat Williams (who insists he’s not coming back anyway), and the same goes for Kevin Williams, E.J. Henderson and Antoine Winfield. Jared Allen isn’t that old, but he’s likely about to enter the twilight of his career.

I’m sorry. A toll back? I mean, I can’t really get into the completely spot-on stuff you’re saying until I figure out what “a toll back” means. If I understand correctly, you’re calling everyone on the Vikings defense a vagina? That’s not cool!

The way their defense will perform next year is completely up in the air right now, but even Packer fans have to admit that their offense is stirring up some potential players, and it’s looking like their offense is re-building faster than anyone previously thought it would.

I’ll tell you what I have to admit. Oh, that reminds me… true story. So, I found this big staff on the side of the road. That same night Gandalf came to me in a dream and said, “Stir the pot, son! You will come up with the potential players you need!” So the next day, I took this huge crap — even by my standards — and I stuck the staff in and stirred. It kind of made one of my turds look like McNabb, but I was also pretty damn hungover.

Their special teams still has solid kicker Ryan Longwell, who just signed a three-year contract with the Vikings, and still possess kick returner Percy Harvin.

This author has to admit that while overall the Minnesota Vikings aren’t the team they looked like on paper back in 09, they’re making leaps that make them look much better than they were in 2010.

I still possess a big, swingin’ dick and it’s getting fitted for a Super Bowl XLV ring later this week, but that’s neither here nor there. Oh, I’m sorry. You’re mother/sister asked me not to tell you about that. I apologize.

This offseason isn’t even finished yet, and the Minnesota Vikings have enough time to keep adding more pieces.

All this author is saying is that while we shouldn’t fear or even expect an upset from the Minnesota Vikings next season, one could argue that the Packers shouldn’t have lost any of the games they lost last season.

We could argue that Hitler was a better leader than Mussolini, but we won’t, because both of them were shitbags. Nor will we argue about last season, which happens to be over… Oh! Sorry! I drifted off while I was admiring our trophy case. You really had me thinking there.

If the NFL is full of surprises, there very well could be lying one here.

You’re right. There very well… could be… uhhhh… lying… one… here?