How To Douche Up An Already Douchey Event Even More

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They have a marathon in Boston at some point every year.

I don’t pay attention. Running that far is for idiots and people who can’t afford rice.

Oh! Look! I beat my personal best!

Oh! Look! I can buy my starving Ethiopian family a bag of rice by pawning this medal!

Oh! Look! I proved something to myself!

Who gives a shit?

Running is boring and you’re a dick.

When the L.A. Marathon is going on, I make sure I get real good and loaded the Saturday night before so I’m not out in the city streets on Sunday morning, which are all closed in my neighborhood, waiting for some fat fuck to prove to himself he can labor through 26 miles without dying while making sure no one can drive anywhere.

Good job. You pulled off an impressive 10 hours and 48 minutes.

Way to go. You showed ’em all.

In other words, marathons are for douchebags who have no friends and nothing to do.

Oh, and then there’s the one in Boston, which happens to be even douchier because it’s full of insufferable pricks from Boston.

We’re ganna win da serieeeeees! Go Sawks!

Kevin Gahnett ain’t cheap. He’s da greatest powah fowahd of all time!


And so forth.

I mean, how could you possibly douche up the Boston Marathon any more?

I’ll tell you how. You let a [intlink id=”35″ type=”category”]Minnesota Vikings[/intlink] fan enter — this Minnesota Vikings fan.

Favre Boston Marathon

He also does parties.

If you’ve ever got a real sausage fest going, where you’re almost completely out of booze and you’re wondering how you could possibly douche the place up just a little more, just call Kermit. He’ll be there with his running shorts, Favre jersey and Vikings hat on within the hour.

From Will D.

About The Author

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

5 Comments on "How To Douche Up An Already Douchey Event Even More"

  1. Cody

    Haha thanks Monty for giving me a laugh tonight…”We’re gannnnaaa winnn daaa seriesss!!” Classic, there aren’t many fans that top sox fans in douche-ness but I think the Phillies are leading the pack these days. That entire group of cousin-fuckers need an A-Bomb in CitiBank stat!

  2. DevilDon

    Hey, I hate the hell out of anything related to Boston, but get the fuck out of here for jamming on marathon runners. They are common folk who push themselves to a standard most people never do.
    Go run 26 miles 385 yards and tell me it’s boring. And by the way, if a guy takes 10 hours to complete it and does, I’ll buy him a his drinks all night. It’s one of those things you just do to prove you can. I know you don’t get it, your fat ass never tries.
    You can talk all the shit you want about Boston, but they didn’t invent the fucking run, Greece did.
    What the hell does a marathon have to do with rice and Ethiopia BTW?
    Running IS boring for a spectator, yet people line the streets to cheer on the runners, go figure. It’s mostly family and friends of the runners, because it takes a huge effort from their human friend to do it.
    Boring? Yes, swimming the english channel is boring, but holy fuck, you’ve done something if you do it.
    Guess what. I’ve only met 2 other people in my life who have ran it. I did mine in the deserts of Yuma, Arizona. It’s only boring and stupid if you’ve never done it.
    Keep blasting Boston, but get off the marathon slam.

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