I know, the Green Bay Packers aren’t playing this weekend. You’re probably going through withdrawals, bouncing off walls, huddled in the corner wondering what to do or some combination of the three.
So, here are some helpful suggestions to get through the weekend alive, until your beloved Green Bay Packers return next week.
1. Pay attention to your broad
If you’re like me, no broad gets in the way of Green Bay Packers football. Hence, your woman is either shutting her damn mouth and watching the game beside you or off doing womanly things like making your dinner, cleaning your house or having a pillow fight, while you’re watching the game. This Sunday is your day to reward her for being understanding, supportive and for not getting in the way of the most important thing in your life.
2. Watch basketball
I’m sure you haven’t noticed, but the NBA season is underway. I know, it’s not the NFL, but it’s something. The Milwaukee Bucks are starting to hit their stride. The Los Angeles Lakers could be dominant. The Miami Heat, well… have a couple of overpaid chokers and Dwayne Wade, but the expectations are off the charts. The Boston Celtics are like the Minnesota Vikings of the NBA — no one likes them because they’re a bunch of whiny thugs (with apologies to Ray Allen). The league’s best scorer plays in someplace called Oklahoma City. There are all kinds of cool things going on. And after this weekend, you won’t have a chance to pay attention to them until February.
3. Pray for a large-scale terrorist attack on Soldier Field
The Minnesota Vikings are playing the Chicago Bears in Soldier Field this weekend. Need I say more?
4. Give someone a history lesson
Everyone should know the Green Bay Packers are the greatest franchise in the history of any and everything, but some people don’t. This is the perfect time to educate them. So, break out your old yearbooks, game programs, football cards and Packers paraphernalia and wow someone with tales of James Lofton streaking down the sideline, Jerry Kramer on the Packers sweep, Don Hutson redefining the receiver position, Reggie White changing the balance of power in the NFL, Don Majkowski beating the Bears at the last second or Paul Ott Carruth doing whatever it is Paul Ott Carruth did. They will thank you.
5. Go on a five-day bender
Look, if you’re reading this site, we assume you’re drunk already, so why not just push the levels of human endurance? Ingest every mind-numbing substance you can for the next week at regular intervals. Not only will you have some great times (that you won’t remember) and a built-in excuse for doing anything stupid (I was on a bender), but by the time it’s over, you’ll sleep for 24 hours. When you wake up, the Packers will be on and it will be like they were never gone.