All It Took For Brett Favre To Return Was A Tug Job From Jared Allen

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Blow me and I'll think about it.

Brett Favre is a stupid fucking scumbag, but we’re contractually bound to tell you he’s going to play for the Minnesota Vikings this season.

Favre boarded a plane earlier today, which is said to be on its way to Minnesota. We hope it crashes.

Even though the Vikings were feigning ignorance — which, let’s face it, they’re all a bunch of stupid motherfuckers, so what else could they do — and offering a no comment, the team sent three players to Favre’s home in Hattiesburg, Miss. this morning.

Kicker Ryan Longwell, guard Steve Hutchinson and child molester and sheep raper Jared Allen were deployed to Favre’s home to convince the quarterback to play his 20th season.

The move totally does not reek of desperation.

After a hearty round of salad tossing, circle jerking and ass-pounding action, Favre relented and decided to save the shittiest franchise in the history of professional sports another year of embarrassment.

That is, until the stupid redneck heaves a pass across his body into the waiting arms of a defender during the playoffs.

We all knew this moment would come, even after Lord Favre told his teammates he was going to retire, earlier this month.

This is good, because now we can all watch Clay Matthews rip Favre’s head off and piss down his neck hole.

A formal announcement of how awesome Brett Favre is, made by Brett Favre himself, is expected later today.

We got a sneak peak of Favre’s prepared statement and it goes something like this.

“Brett Favre is going to play another season because the NFL cannot survive without Brett Favre. Brett Favre went back and forth about Brett Favre’s decision, but ultimately Brett Favre decided that Brett Favre could not do without Brett Favre, and neither could the Minnesota Vikings. So, Brett Favre has risen again, like Jesus Christ himself, to grace the Minnesota Vikings organization with Brett Favre. With that, Brett Favre takes leave of you and reminds you that there shall be no stories written about football without mention of Brett Favre, lest I smote you where you stand. Brett Favre!”

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About The Author

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

72 Comments on "All It Took For Brett Favre To Return Was A Tug Job From Jared Allen"

  1. Not to mention clearly Favre (and the vikings) are racist that entourage is whiter than a polar bear’s ass…would of BrINT showed a same love to a brotha..I think not …que Jessy Jackson and Al Sharpton

  2. Al Borland's Beard

    Everyone gets what they always wanted. Brett gets the feeling of being wanted, Minnesota fans get their QB, and Jared Allen gets semen on his face. It’s like a fairytale.

  3. matt fox

    All your little quips dont change the fact that the Vikings ar enow the favorite to win the NFC North and Ted Thompson just pooped himself. Hahahahahahaha

  4. jeff ircink

    racist? wow…ReginaldINFL. quite a leap, don’t you think? what bitter people you all are. i laugh. hahahahahaha.

    • I was being “facetious” look it up… I bet your gonna have a hell of a case of ‘compacted shit syndrome’ after all the celebrating you do tonight jeff…hahahahah

    • RayV#7

      i laugh at you Jeff Ircest, you are a fucking waste of life. and i saw that pic of yours on your gay ass blog, and i have a question. Is that a goatee or a big blotch of shit that is fresh outta Matt Fox’s ass? i really dont know, and you are an ugly fuck, i dont even think Susan Boyle would do you, probably not even Jared “White Trash” Allen, and he fucks anything, from a chicken to Brad Childress so im just curious why you are so ugly?

  5. Abe Frohman

    Matt Fox apparently will need like a valium to calm himself down. My question is instead of saying “the vikings” why not just say “we”?

    I agree with Jeremy….this is hardly news. I really couldn’t care less.

  6. jeff ircink

    i know what “facetious” means, Reggie. i’m having deja vu….didn’t we cover this word once already? from you though, it wouldn’t have surprised me if you were serious…i don’t know you well enough.

    i’m not celebrating. i figured he come back but i wasn’t absolutely positive (like so many other people “seem” to be).

    honestly, PackerFanINFL, i’m beginning to tire of the verbal assaults back and forth. actually thinking about abandoning future comments here. don’t have the time. and it serves no purpose – you and others here have your opinions and i don’t expect nor want to change them, and i have mine. seems like a waste of time, doesn’t it?

    will have to think on that some more…


    • jeff ircink:

      honestly, PackerFanINFL, i’m beginning to tire of the verbal assaults back and forth. actually thinking about abandoning future comments here. don’t have the time. and it serves no purpose – you and others here have your opinions and i don’t expect nor want to change them, and i have mine. seems like a waste of time, doesn’t it?

      Fuck You,Fuck Off and Good Riddance.

      I mean come one what did you expect your a cock sucking brett favre viking fan. Did you think we would all embrace you with open arms trade playful jabs. I agree, you should hit the trail..your a waste of our time as well (not that we give a shit).

      So spread those ass cheeks and let Matt give you a fair well wet one in the brown hole and bow out for good.

    • Al Borland's Beard

      That was just a warm up, the lemon party will occur when Brad, Zygi, Bevell, and Favre are going over the details of the contract.

  7. matt fox

    What nonsense are you referring to? The nonsense that WE are going to kick your ass again this year? Or the nonsense that Ted Thompson is scared shitless right now? Because both sound pretty accurate.

    • Nonsense like using “WE” to refer to what I assume is the VIkings. Funny I don’t remember seeing a Matt Fox on the Queens depth chart.

      • I thought Matt was a Packer fan (in waiting) so ‘We’ must mean the Packers, Vikings and Matt Fox so they are all going to simultaneously beat the shit out of each other?

    • tequila

      Matt, you are not smart as we continually point out. When you communicate it often makes little sense or you have entirely missed the point of the post and or comment. If you have a learning disability I completely understand but don’t pretend you haven’t been called an idiot before.

  8. jeff ircink

    i waffled, dip shits for brains. what a sorry ass bunch of fuck ups on this site. truly – loser central. you’re all wastes of space and i’ll continue – thanks Reginald – to comment her until the Favre article cease up.

    ugly fuck, Ray? now Ray’s visiting my blog. for people who don’t have time for me you all sure spend a lot of time on my blog. why is that. let’s see your pic, Ray, and we’ll see who’s uglier.

    • RayV#7

      Jeff, i could put a picture of my ass, side by side to your picture and my ass would still be better looking than you. i could even put some shit on my ass to match that “ass tickler” you have going there. well, im stop talking about my ass now because i bet ur getting horny, you goat fucker. and i just saw ur blog, its terrible, nobody would give a shit about ur blog anyways.

  9. jeff ircink

    yeh. i didn’t spell check. why waste more time here than i have to. and it’s “idol”, Al Borland Douche” not “idle”. and i think you all idolize Favre cause you talk about him more than any Packer fan should be talking about him.

  10. jeff ircink

    and Reginald, if you re-read what i wrote earlier, i said i was THINKING about not commenting here anymore. i never said i WAS GOING TO STOP.

    learn how to read, shit for brains. your post on your shit for brains blog was for nothing.

    God, the IQ between Al Borland’s Douche, Jeremy, Ray and PackerDoucheINFL (AKA reginald) must be like a 1. seriously. i can’t believe this blog get an award from an online university….really? the world is truly fucked up.

    • Sounds like your just basically jealous of this blog. If this blog has an award and a following (look at all the comments) maybe just maybe it is you who fucked up and the world is as it always has been. But why am I wasting my time explaining this to you? as its quite apparent your one of the many naive self centered me, me, me fuckers on this planet. The funny thing about your type is you are your own worst enemy as you always end up fucking yourself (or matt fox in your case) or throwing an interception in a defining moment..hahahaha

  11. jeff ircink

    and Ray, have i told you to shut up lately? no? shut the fuck up, ok. “Fuck, gay ass, shit, fuck, fuck and ugly” (2x) in your post.

    get a thesaurus, imbred.

    • RayV#7

      imbred? haha, say the faggot who has his cousin as his kid, and is married to his sister. and youre telling me to shut up? LOL, youre nobody to tell me anything, and i had to used those words because those are the words that match your blog, face and personality. you gonna cry now? bitch…

  12. jeff ircink

    wait…maybe i will retire from posting comments here. it’s not so cut and dry. gotta think about that. will get back to you bunch of Neanderthal fuck-ups shortly.

  13. Vijay

    From ESPN – Since 1966, only 12 men have started an NFL game at QB in their 40’s…the list includes Favre.
    I think Favre will fall short of 300 consecutive starts this year and get injured somewhere around week 10.

    Predictions??

  14. Nick K.

    Wow Jeff I knew you were a bitch but I didn’t think you would flip out like a little bitch. LOL. Seriously you should leave this site and fuck yourself from now on. I liked this site before you hatched and started posting here. If I want to listen to some whiney little bitch Queen fan I could just listen to it at work. If you get that upset on a blog thats for a team you don’t like then leave, dont come back, and fuck off.

    ViJay
    My prediction is a replay of 2005 the Brett Favre.
    Playoffs in 2004 10-6 record, fuck up in the playoffs.
    2005 4-12 worst season he ever had

  15. jeff ircink

    who said i was THAT upset? you guys read into shit wayyy to much. just like the media and opinions when it comes to Favre – everyone KNOW everything.

    Nick – Vikes go 4-12. that’s what you’re sticking with?

  16. billyschwills

    All of you child-molesting, cum-covered, penis-loving Viking fans can please choke to death on the dick of the original AIDS monkey. The fact that you have not had a decent QB since that soccer mom, Fran Tarkenton, is no reason to get your control top panties in a bunch. The Packers didn’t make you gay; you did that all on your own, and I congratulate you and wish to present you with a vibrating, purple, horned Viking Cock ring so that you and your homo husband can both receive pleasure while you watch the Favre media storm.

    I don’t want to continue to make homosexual innuendos, but when you write about the Minni-dick Vikings, it becomes a matter of course to discuss the aesthetics of all the things that make your team homos. The thing about the Viking horns is that they make the perfect handle to forcefully pull your eager mouths onto my junk. Mouth rape for all of you Minnesota Brownie Hounds. All I can truly hope for is that Favre’s failure, dissapointment, inevitable bone-crushing injury, and poor play will be made that much more upsetting by the hoopla and media circus surrounding that faggoty, semen-squelching, redneck, douche-nozzle, son of a cunt. Although, I recently saw a picture of Favre’s mom in the press, and i have to say that she is one old hooker i wouldn’t mind letting play the slobber blues on my mighty meat whistle.

    The only thing that could make this situation better would be for Favre to trip over his metamucil bottle and shatter his Graham cracker hip. I also wish to God that Gilbert Brown shows up and shoves his obese cock into Favre’s all-too-willing mouth. The sad part will be when Favre realizes that he tastes his own daughter’s juices on Mr Brown’s portly black bratwurst.

    Now Jared Allen…there is a football hero you can rely on to consistently prove that he is scummier than the smegma scraped off the foreskin of a Haitian immigrant hobo. Speaking of Hatian immigrant hobo dick, did anyone hear that Percy Harvin’s migraines are being caused by mini concussions resulting from being skull fucked by the Saints? But I digress.

    We all know this is “just a game”, so maybe we can all come to agreement that the Minnesota fans are just a wee bit salty about their not one, not two, not three, but FOUR Super Bowl losses. I can’t remember how many they won so I will let a Vikings fan answer that once they get the balls out of their mouth and rinse that shit so they are clean for me next time.

    Yours truly,
    Billy

    PS—I truly hope Old Man Cum-Puddle will make it to week 7 so the packers can destroy that bastard…and help to usher in “The Rosenfels Era”. Haha…the Vikings are fags.

  17. jeremy

    Favre hasn’t put together back to back productive seasons since 2001-2002. Both of which of course ended in one of his patented playoff explosions. I wouldn’t just write him in for another career performance this season.

    • tequila

      Jeremy, thanks for getting back to the point: football. It’s funny to argue about how many cocks Matt and Jeff gobble, but it’s more fun to get down to business. Favre was clearly limping yesterday when he arrived to Minn, and unless he fully heals by the time 9/12 rolls around I would be a worried Vikings fan. But then again if I were a Vikings fan I would have killed myself already, but that’s besides the point.

      • That limp could be part of his exaggerated “acting” skills like when he flushed the jets season down the toilet in 2008 and all of sudden the ‘iron man’ is ‘holding his elbow’ after a piss poor performance.

      • Also worth mentioning that he looks considerably heavier than he did last year. Favre’s not in shape. He didn’t really want to come back this time. This won’t end well…

      • Abe Frohman

        I’ve read Favre put on 14 pounds because of the ankle surgery and was not able to work out as he would have otherwise liked. it was part of his indecision.

  18. average fan

    favre and viking fans are delusional… his super bowl caliber talent was 14 years ago… someone dig up babe ruth… the twins need a pick me up

  19. Shawn Shawn

    Billy, that was the grand champion of homoerotic posts. Congrats. I am going to submit it for consideration for a Pulitzer Prize. It should receive its due and be properly catalogued among the other literary greats like the Bible, David Copperfield, The Red Masque of Death, and My Favorite Wraparound. Again, congrats.

    • Jeremy

      You choose to come here Jeff. I don’t know why. If you really feel the need to change the way things are go volunteer your time to charity or adopt a piece of highway. Brett Favre doesn’t need your help.

    • RayV#7

      So that means that you are getting the same treatment that Percy Harvin is getting from the Saints(according to billyschwills)?

  20. Hey Jeff..can you explain with your high ‘IQ’ what your opinion why the vikings were scheduled 3 home games in a row towards the end of the season…even a fan of favre such as you has to admit thats a bit fucked up?

  21. jeff ircink

    jeremy…i tire of repeating myself. yes, i shouldn’t be here and open myself up to your crass comments and i’d do the same if i were in your shoes. however, like i’ve said, i’m here until i see a drop-off in Favre articles. then i’m gone. it’s very simple. AR’s your QB. a fine QB he is. tell Monty (and yes, i have Reginald) to keep articles pertinent to GB and GB opponents during game time and i’m done with you.

    PackerFanReginaldINFL – maybe the three home games is a fuck up, i don’t know. i’m not a logistics guy. i don’t know the answer to your question.

    • jeremy

      Then your in for a looooong headache. If your not going to stop you’d better pray for Brett to drop his charade’s and/or retire, because Monty isn’t going to stop until Brett does.

    • Abe Frohman

      Perhaps I’m incorrect, but I believe Jeff is a Vikings fan. Matt is the Favre loyalist. So, no Jeff won’t be coming to his senses any time soon. Matt…perhaps.

  22. RayV#7

    wow, billyschwills that was just incredible. you summed up the Vikings Organization, their fans, and Brett Favre in that homoerotic poem. wow, im speechless… and WE got Jeff Ircest to leave? Wow, then WE really must of gotten under his skin, vagina skin that is. LOL, well i guess Jeff is going back to that trailer of his isnt he? thanks jeff for leaving this blog, WE all appreciate it. so tell your wife(your sister) that youll stop fantasizing about Favre and you will leave this wonderful blog. tell her that you will no longer receive a skull fuck after WE gave you those headaches and will still run that shitty blog of your! well jeff, its was nice making fun of ya! see ya later… douche! LOL

  23. jeff ircink

    RayVD – you’re like 20 posts behind. i said i was “thinking” about leaving, waffled and decided not to. oh – and shut up.

    PackerFanINFL – the plan was always to go back to cheering for GB when Brett retires for good and TT leaves. who knows. that could change. Abe’s partly right – i’ve grown to enjoy watching the Vikes play (the team – oddly enough). whatever.

    fuck. douche. gay. homo. slurp. ass. there….i did your work for you. bring it on. and Ray – i already referred to you guys as living in trailers and “douche” is my word.

  24. Jeff,Being from WI (have no clue where you are now) you would probably know how in grained the packers are into WI culture. (Take TT and BF out of the equation) how can you not have some sort of love for the organization even if its a “love to hate” thing otherwise in my opinion you don’t just hate packer fans..you hate Wisconsin.

    BTW ‘Slurp’ is my brainchild and it public property..LOL

    c I can be nice

  25. jeff ircink

    i’m sure you can be nice, PackerFanINFL. so can i. i’m back in WI and i do NOT hate WI.

    and i do have some sort of “love” for the organization…after 40 some odd years of following them, how could i not? i still have my Packer shit – didn’t throw it out. i think Lambeau’s the greatest place to play football on the planet. i have NO hate for any of the Packer players. maybe it is a “love to hate” thing. not sure.

    i KNOW that i won’t follow them (if i do – and i know…”we don’t want you back!”..whatever) while the current management is in office. that’s my perrogative. just like people have the choice to hate Favre.

  26. Matt Fox

    So… a bunch of faggots beat the shit out of the Packers last year? Does that make the Packers super faggots or just pussies?

    And, I’m sorry Tequilla, I know you still have trouble understanding things, but maybe if you’re illiterate and retarded you shouldnt be on this site. Oh wait, actually, thats actually the majority of the people on this site. Nvm.

    Enjoy your season Packer fans, I hope losing the NFC for a third season in a row is enjoyable for you. I know I’ll certainly enjoy watching it.

    • Matt,I agree that you and the minnesota vikings are “a bunch of faggots”

      Jeff, thanks for the answer I kind of understand, I’m just a bit more loyal to the organization (which u know). I post somethings just for the “shock” value. Sometimes I just want to fight it out (its fun). So yes I can be nice.

  27. jeff ircink

    and honestly, i hate to be unloyal cause that’s not me. everyone had some guilt on their hand regarding the Favre-Packer divorce. i just sided with the guy in the trenches over the suits. doens’t make it right or wrong – just my take on it.

    i like “shock” too.

  28. matt fox

    Awww, Im sorry Packerfan, did being reminded that the Packers have lost the NFC North to the Vikings the past two seasons since Favre left upset you? And that they’re now going to lose it again? Must be tough. That’s okay PussyFan. I feel your pain.

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