All It Took For Brett Favre To Return Was A Tug Job From Jared Allen
Brett Favre is a stupid fucking scumbag, but we’re contractually bound to tell you he’s going to play for the Minnesota Vikings this season.
Favre boarded a plane earlier today, which is said to be on its way to Minnesota. We hope it crashes.
Even though the Vikings were feigning ignorance — which, let’s face it, they’re all a bunch of stupid motherfuckers, so what else could they do — and offering a no comment, the team sent three players to Favre’s home in Hattiesburg, Miss. this morning.
Kicker Ryan Longwell, guard Steve Hutchinson and child molester and sheep raper Jared Allen were deployed to Favre’s home to convince the quarterback to play his 20th season.
The move totally does not reek of desperation.
After a hearty round of salad tossing, circle jerking and ass-pounding action, Favre relented and decided to save the shittiest franchise in the history of professional sports another year of embarrassment.
That is, until the stupid redneck heaves a pass across his body into the waiting arms of a defender during the playoffs.
We all knew this moment would come, even after Lord Favre told his teammates he was going to retire, earlier this month.
This is good, because now we can all watch Clay Matthews rip Favre’s head off and piss down his neck hole.
A formal announcement of how awesome Brett Favre is, made by Brett Favre himself, is expected later today.
We got a sneak peak of Favre’s prepared statement and it goes something like this.
“Brett Favre is going to play another season because the NFL cannot survive without Brett Favre. Brett Favre went back and forth about Brett Favre’s decision, but ultimately Brett Favre decided that Brett Favre could not do without Brett Favre, and neither could the Minnesota Vikings. So, Brett Favre has risen again, like Jesus Christ himself, to grace the Minnesota Vikings organization with Brett Favre. With that, Brett Favre takes leave of you and reminds you that there shall be no stories written about football without mention of Brett Favre, lest I smote you where you stand. Brett Favre!”
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Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.