Jared Allen: I am this much of a douchebag

We told you full-time asshat, part-time Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen was getting married.

Guess what? That obviously crazier-than-a-shithouse-rat bitch actually went through with it. So we all get to hear about Allen’s honeymoon, which was a camping trip to Arkansas stay on the coast of Italy.

And just when you think Allen can’t take the art of being a humongous douchebag to new levels, he does just that. Obviously, cutting his mullet did nothing to wash the stench of white trash off.

Allen spent his honeymoon in a cutoff version of his Vikings jersey and a Speedo.

“I was wearing my jersey every day. I cut the sleeves off by the pool and cropped it up a little bit,” Allen told Dan Patrick.

“I dominated a Speedo over there. I figure, when in Rome, right? It kind of applies. When in Europe, when in Rome.”


Brilliant as usual.

As much as I hate Jared Allen and the Minnesota Vikings, I’m also glad he’s a member of the Vikings. He’s the perfect mascot for the whole backwards, mouth breathing, trailer park trash state of Minnesota.

If drugs were legal, Jared Allen would be the spokesperson for meth.