Jared Allen No Longer A Dumbass With A Mullet, Just A Dumbass

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Jared Allen

Uhhh hul hul

Minnesota Vikings’ defensive end/chief douchebag/animal fucker and all-around dumbass has cut his mullet.

Allen, who still looks like a redneck thug who molests his sister, apparently cut the mullet because he’s getting married.

That’s right, Jared Allen is getting married.

When we found out Allen wasn’t getting married to his cousin, which is completely legal in Minnesota, we decided to find out what prize he was shacking up with. I mean, obviously this woman must have a gun rack in the back of her ’86 Ford F-150, a dip of Red Man in her left cheek and a flannel shirt collection bigger than Eddie Vedder.

When we finally caught up with her, she proved us wrong.

“I was dancing at the Blue Ox Bar in Brainerd when I was 17. I had a fake ID, so, you know, I could support my mother and my son. Jared came in and just swept me off my feet. Not only did he tip me five dollars that night, but he took me out to the point the next night. We shared a box a wine and then he forced himself on me and he lasted almost five minutes! It was sooooooo romantic!

“Well, I got pregnant and had my third abortion and Jared even paid for half! I knew I was in love then. Most guys don’t pay. They don’t even answer the phone at their momma’s house. But not Jared. He has one of those cellular phones and he answered.

“So I left my son with momma and moved to Minneapolis, which is a lot like Brainerd. I lived with Jared fer almost a year now and he hardly ever hits me. So when he got that ring from the pawn shop, well I just couldn’t say no! But I told him he had to cut that hair, cuz he looks too much like my uncle Bob and uncle Bob would touch me in my special place when he got drunk.”

True love, Minnesota style.


About The Author

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

22 Comments on "Jared Allen No Longer A Dumbass With A Mullet, Just A Dumbass"

  1. Al Borland's Beard

    In all fairness, Jim Rome has no business calling out anyone on anything. That guy is the definition of a tool.

  2. TPS

    Rome loves him some Aaron Rodgers. He rips on BF (almost) daily. I would say he’s on our side. And with hundreds of stations and a bezillion listeners, I like it.

  3. Al Borland's Beard

    I don’t care who he likes, he’s like 35, extremely white, but yet he un-ironically tries using hip slang. Plus he likes to emphasize the first syllable of words. “Did you see play homie made? PHE..nominal, SPEC…tacular.” He was all like, not on my turf playa, Ah….mazing.” Oh, and he’s a huge kiss ass to all of his guests and seems like an extremely smug prick that sniffs his own farts. The only reason I stumbled upon his show is because I actually thought he was dying in a fire on live TV. Dare I say, I hate him almost as much as Jared Allen.

  4. jeff ircink

    jim rome’s a tool (i agree) and i was never a fan of Allen’s mullet. see…i CAN be objective.

    and TPS, Rome has probably praised Favre as much as he ridiculed him.

  5. jeff ircink

    and wow…not one “fuck you” or “fucker” or “cocksucker” in any of the comments. this can’t be the same Total Packers.

  6. jeff ircink

    that was a short-lived bit of maturity on Total Packers.

    you like that work “cocksucker”, don’t ya, PackerFanINFL?

  7. RayV#8

    lmao, this blog is funny, thanks monty for describing the day in the life of jared allen and the truths behind it!!! lol, GO PACKERS!!!

  8. favreforever

    I love how you worthless fucks from wisqueersin can’t accept that the vikings are a better team. do you need favre to tear you apart for another year to finally realize that?

    • RayV#7

      @ favre forever and who gave you favre? lmao, you all Viqueens just jumped on the favre bandwagon!! and just watch douchebag, Packers will win the NFC North and Superbowl!!!!! just look at your name, favreforever, what a dumb fuck, no wonder Jared Allen fits in Minnesota!

  9. Pingback: Even Married, Jared Allen Still A Douche | Total Packers

  10. Pingback: Jared Allen: (Not Surprisingly) Still A Douche | Total Packers

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