Jared Allen Is Such A Clown!

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Jared Allen

It's true, I'm a total cunt.

Ah, that Jared Allen. He’s such a clown! I just can’t get enough of him! [insert screech of needle violently scratching across a record].

Of course, we’re just kidding. Jared Allen is a douchebag. He plays for the Minnesota Vikings – the douchiest organization in the history of professional sports.

His hillbilly antics are tired. His mullet is tired. Jared Allen is tired.

Don’t get me wrong. The guy can play football. He’s owned the Green Bay Packers this season. He’ll probably win defensive player of the year largely based on two games against the Packers. He’s going to be an All Pro and make the Pro Bowl, both of which will be deserved.

However, here are some things Jared Allen can’t do: read at more than a sixth-grade level, put together a coherent thought, stop being ironic even when no one finds the joke funny anymore, and not insult my intelligence.

Want to know what a douchebag is? Here’s more proof. Maybe next time you could wear your Affliction shirt, Jared.

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About The Author

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

6 Comments on "Jared Allen Is Such A Clown!"

  1. Carl with a "C"

    Solid Monty. Why don’t you tell everyone about how you used to sport a mullet? And then let them know how many years ago that was as well (less then 5)….

  2. Al Borland

    What’s the appeal of this guy? Nothing he ever says or does has been funny this decade (Or the last decade) If he really wanted to be manly, he would grow a beard and co host a home improvement show in Detroit.

  3. queensblow

    I HATE THE QUEENS, however JA is FN funny.
    Hey nothing wrong with laughing at how he lives his day….He plays a game and gets paid for it…He knows that and makes fun of that as well…

    GO PACK…

  4. C'mon

    Jared Allen plays the game the right way. Always going at full speed. He would fit in with the old timers because he plays through injuries like 95% of the league would not right now. He almost gets his legs taken out against the Lions and still stays in the game.

    You don’t like him because he levels your O-Line like Godzilla levels Tokyo.

  5. Jared is the man

    now speaking of douche i guess you don’t have to look to far.. just find something shiny… in fact just turn off jared allens highlight tape and look into the computer screen you see the douchebag looking at you? its pretty obvious that you’re angry at your life because you failed at being something just like jared.. a badass so keep sitting on your fat ass and writing stupid shit while your rooting for the wrong team..

    Have a nice season flamer
    p.s. how many sacks have the packers given up? it must be a record huh..?

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