We all know about Brett Favre. Thanks to the breathless coverage and retellings of his life story over the past two decades, we know all about him.
We know his middle name is frickin’ Lorenzo. We know all about his family and his wife’s cancer survival and activism. Many of us can recite his accomplishments on the football field by memory. We know about his flaws – interceptions [cough, cough] and past addictions.
We know that he throws the ball real hard and “just likes to have fun out there.”
Away from football, we know that he is incapable of doing anything other than ride a lawnmower.
Brett Favre was royalty in Wisconsin and beyond. He was an ambassador and symbol for the sport of football.
He was an American Icon. Like Superman.
So just who is this BIZARRO BRETT, the new quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings?
One of Superman’s strangest enemies was Bizarro Superman – a monstrous, deformed, shambling clone version of himself, created by his nemesis Brad Childress Lex Luther.
About two years ago, the Brett Favre we knew was replaced with a new version. A monstrous, deformed, and shambling imitation of Brett Favre. Bizarro Brett.
Bizarro Brett appeared, desperate to leave the Green Bay Packers for the Minnesota Vikings – the flagship professional sports team of Minnesota – a monstrous, deformed, shambling imitation of Wisconsin.
While he still receives the same fawning, ball cupping, knob slobbing, shaft stroking admiration from the NFL talking heads, this isn’t the same guy. Just like Bizarro Superman, something is off. His seems old, confused, selfish and petty. It’s definitely not the Brett Favre we knew. It’s Bizarro Brett.
Hopefully, people will see that the real Brett Favre is out there somewhere and that Bizarro Brett is really the devious half-assed creation of Brad Childress.
- Brett Favre loved the Green Bay Packers. Retiring and leaving the Green Bay Packers in 2007 was the hardest thing he had ever done. Bizarro Brett has been doing everything in his power to join the Minnesota Vikings for the last two years.
- Brett Favre was a straight shooter and the media could always expect straight answers. Bizarro Brett lies, flip-flops, changes his mind and then lies again.
- Brett Favre always had his teammates’ backs – just ask Koren Robinson. Bizarro Brett throws former teammates and coaches under the bus every chance he gets. Just ask James Campen.
- Brett Favre was a leader in the locker room. Bizarro Brett has his own locker room.
- While he was always a fierce competitor, Brett Favre played with honor and respect. Bizarro Brett throws crackback blocks on hapless defenders… in the preseason.
- Brett Favre was a gunslinger. Bizarro Brett is a “game manager.”
- Brett Favre’s jersey always fit him nicely, like an old pair of Wranglers. Bizarro Brett wears jerseys two sizes too big, like an old blouse. Bizarro Superman famously tried to pass himself off as Clark Kent by cramming on an ill-fitting business suit and broken glasses. Didn’t work then and it doesn’t work now.
- Brett Favre used to play in the finest football stadium in the world. Bizarro Brett plays in the worst.
- Brett Favre had the best fans in the world. Bizarro Brett’s bandwagon jumping, Viking horn tootin’ idiots are the worst.
So, as our beloved Green Bay Packers prepare to face off against public enemy number one, I hope we were able to highlight some key differences between the real Brett Favre and Bizarro Brett – just so everyone understands that this… this… thing wearing purple is not the guy we cheered for for 16 years. This is not someone Packers’ fans should feel compelled to root for. Nor should they feel guilty for rooting against. True fans would understand – this is an abomination that needs to be PUT DOWN.