The Bears Still Suck, But…

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Rashied Davis

No. 1 in Chicago!

Yes, the Chicago Bears still suck, even after their much-hyped acquisition of quarterback Jay Cutler. However, it looks as if the Bears are doing their best to change this phenomenon (sucking) that has grasped their organization since its inception.

Even though the Bears nabbed Cutler from the Denver Broncos last week, and have a potential star running back in second-year man, Matt Forte, the team still doesn’t scare me. And I would suspect it doesn’t scare the Green Bay Packers, either.

But Cutler threw for 4,526 yards and 25 TDs last season, you say!

Well, Cutler was throwing to targets like Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royal and Brandon Stokely, last season.

Chicago’s recieving corp consists of Rashied Davis, Devin Hester, and four guys who probably don’t belong in the NFL. Davis caught 35 balls for 445 yards last season. Hester, who is primarily a kick returner, had more than 600 yards receiving. But despite his explosiveness and potential, Hester can’t run anything but a go route to save his life.

The team’s best pass catcher is probably tight end Greg Olson, who caught 54 for 574 last season.

None of this inspires the feeling of fear in my heart, and it appears that the dumbest coach in the NFL, Lovie “Dovie” Smith, is aware of this fact. Or, at least, most of the players on his team are aware of it.

The Bears new addition at left tackle, former St. Louis Ram Orlando Pace, is pushing for the team to sign his former teammate, Tory Holt.

“I spoke to Torry,” Pace told the Chicago Tribune. “It’s funny he was just probably at my house a few days before I even came here. I think he’s just out searching. I’m probably recruiting him in Chicago here. And hopefully it works out.”

Pace later told TotalPackers.com what he really meant:

“Our recievers fucking blow! I mean, seriously, it’s like an epidemic in Chicago. Name me one good receiver who has ever played ball in Chicago. I dare you! Wendall Davis? Willie Gault? I mean, what the fuck? Having some washed up piece of crap like Tory Holt would be better than a scab like Rashied Davis. How the hell is this guy even in the league? And he’s our number 1 receiver. Number 1! That’s no joke. Rashied Fucking Davis is the number one guy here in Chicago! I can see Al Harris shaking in his boots now,” Pace said.

Ed note: Pace did not actually say any of that to Total Packers. We don’t talk to scumbags who play for the Bears.

Here’s where it gets better.

Chicago, and Cutler specifically, is so desperate for someone to throw the ball to, that they’ve reached out to former New York Giants receiver and all-around idiot, Plaxico Burress.

You may remember Burress as the man who lead the Giants to a Super Bowl victory two seasons ago. You may also remember him as the shitheel who shot himself in the leg, with his own gun, while in a New York nightclub last season.

Really, I couldn’t make up the comedy that is the Chicago Bears football organization.

So… Lovie…

“Every player that’s available, we look into,” Smith told the Chicago Tribune. “No more than that.”

Good policy. I wonder if Ted Thompson took a look at Burress?

The answer is… No, Ted Thompson did not take a look at Plaxico Burress, because Ted Thompson is not an idiot (when compared to Bears’ management). Ted Thompson doesn’t like guys who shoot themselves in the leg. Ted Thompson is not relying on Rashied Davis to catch 80 passes.

When TotalPackers.com reached Jay Cutler, he had this to say:

“Fuck, man. I’d rather have a dude with one leg and half a brain toting a fucking 9 mill out on the field than Rashied Fucking Davis. I mean, I’ve played in the league a few years now, and I’ve never even heard of Rashied Fucking Davis,” Cutler said. “At least with a guy like Plax… well… I mean, he can pull out his gat and shoot a motherfucker like that dude did in The Last Boy Scout. You know, I’ve always had a little bit of a crush on Bruce Willis. He’s a very handsome man. And rugged.”

Ed note: Like Pace, we told Cutler to go to hell when he called us back, so we don’t have any real evidence that he said this.

Long live Wendall Davis!

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About The Author

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

8 Comments on "The Bears Still Suck, But…"

  1. Nick Keller

    LOL. You always seem to write what I’m thinking. Except for the part about TT not being an idiot, because of course he is. Otherwise very entertaining.

  2. krh

    ha, brilliant. those guys said what i was thinking all along. pace will be hurt by week 2, and replaced by adam timmerman, who is realizing that being retired and farming in no dak aint all it’s cracked up to be.

    what do you mean ted is not an idiot? YOUR BOY

  3. Monty,

    I guess you been playing madden so long you actually think green bay is a superbowl team. I can see why you are no longer a writer, with your asinine comments and ridiculous whiskey and gay sex induced fantasies, Its like the old adage goes, “Those who can write, write, and those who cant publish”…. Stick to ice fishing, cow tipping, butter churning or whatever you hicks do up north. If you were a REAL football fan you would of noticed the trouncing the bears give greenbay EVERY year.2004 21-10, 2005 19-7 24-17,2006 26-0,2007 27-20,35-7 2008 20-17.So genius the bears have won over 60% of our meetings just in those 5 years. Bret was the only weapon you had and will ever have that was even remotely effective against the bears. Rodgers totally fails in comparison, along with your lack luster offense and your defense… (I threw up a lil in my mouth just thinking bout them) is a joke…. So in short, step out of your time machine, cut your mulllet, throw away the Favre jersey and prepare yourself for another disappointing season and the basement seat in the NFC North.

  4. I find this previous comment funny… and typical. First, the saying goes like this – those who can’t do, teach. It has nothing to do with writing and publishing, you stupid FIB. Second, I actually live in LA, which is a far superior city to Chicago, so I don’t get much time to ice fish or cow tip anymore. We will beat you this year, and we’ll probably beat you twice, so come back and talk to me then you ignorant fuck. If you hadn’t told me otherwise, I would have thought you were from Minnesota.

  5. Speaking of ignorant fucks the writing and publishing comment was an attempt at humor, which was wasted on your small feeble brain…I am well aware of the saying you inbred,toothless,fuck. I would of moved to another city if I lived in “gay” central also… I’m sure you fit in well with the trashy,and scummy raider fans. I also noticed that you did not include any of your nonsense and make believe stats and quotes…Good job. Do me a favor from now on though, If you feel like posting anymore nonsense,to keep your hands busy, go to San Fransisco where your boyfriend Tyronne lives, and insert his black cock in your dick holster of a mouth…Thanks Monty

  6. Pingback: Driver Happy, Kampman Speaks, Bears Still Suck | Total Packers

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