Apparently, to go from an 8-8 team to preseason Super Bowl favorite, all an NFL team needs to do is get themselves a redneck defensive end.

That’s what the Minnesota Vikings did. They traded for the Kansas City Chiefs Jared Allen and almost instantly became the hands down favorite to win the NFC North and a Super Bowl birth. So, who better to feature in our new column, Get To Know A Viking, than Jared Allen?

Height: 6’6
Weight: 270 lbs
College: Idaho State
Drafted: 4th Round, Kansas City
Position: defensive end/douchebag

On April 3, 1982, Jared was born in Los Gatos, California. Somehow, Jared was able to sidestep the upper crusty image of his hometown and adopt a sort of “aw shucks, I’m a simple hayseed” off-field persona, endearing himself to idiot NFL announcers and fans everywhere.

Fun Facts

  • Jared Allen proudly sported an ironic mullet throughout the 2007 NFL season. This would have been sort of funny when ironic mullets first hit the Internet about 8-to-10 years ago.
  • Jared Allen plans to professionally wrestle steers after his NFL career is over.
  • Jared had an NFL leading 15.5 sacks in 2007.
  • In 2006, Jared led the league with 2 DUIs.
  • Jared’s number is 69. Get it? Get it? 69!!! Oh my god! This guys is suuuuuch a goofball! 69! hahahahahaha!

“Hopefully, I can put my helmet square in the back of his spine. If I can do that and knock the ball loose, it’ll be a good day,” Allen said, displaying sportsmanship and class after being asked to comment on the season opening game against the Green Bay Packers.

Jared Allen was pretty much born to play with the Minnesota Vikings. A classless, cocky, overrated mouth-breather, Jared Allen is exactly the type of player Packers fans will love to hate – cut from the same piss-stained cloth as former Vikings douchebags like as Jack Del Rio, Chris Carter, Cris Hovan and Randy Moss.