Get To Know A Viking: Jared Allen

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Apparently, to go from an 8-8 team to preseason Super Bowl favorite, all an NFL team needs to do is get themselves a redneck defensive end.

That’s what the Minnesota Vikings did. They traded for the Kansas City Chiefs Jared Allen and almost instantly became the hands down favorite to win the NFC North and a Super Bowl birth. So, who better to feature in our new column, Get To Know A Viking, than Jared Allen?

Stats
Height: 6’6
Weight: 270 lbs
College: Idaho State
Drafted: 4th Round, Kansas City
Position: defensive end/douchebag

Bio
On April 3, 1982, Jared was born in Los Gatos, California. Somehow, Jared was able to sidestep the upper crusty image of his hometown and adopt a sort of “aw shucks, I’m a simple hayseed” off-field persona, endearing himself to idiot NFL announcers and fans everywhere.

Fun Facts

  • Jared Allen proudly sported an ironic mullet throughout the 2007 NFL season. This would have been sort of funny when ironic mullets first hit the Internet about 8-to-10 years ago.
  • Jared Allen plans to professionally wrestle steers after his NFL career is over.
  • Jared had an NFL leading 15.5 sacks in 2007.
  • In 2006, Jared led the league with 2 DUIs.
  • Jared’s number is 69. Get it? Get it? 69!!! Oh my god! This guys is suuuuuch a goofball! 69! hahahahahaha!

Quote
“Hopefully, I can put my helmet square in the back of his spine. If I can do that and knock the ball loose, it’ll be a good day,” Allen said, displaying sportsmanship and class after being asked to comment on the season opening game against the Green Bay Packers.

Summary
Jared Allen was pretty much born to play with the Minnesota Vikings. A classless, cocky, overrated mouth-breather, Jared Allen is exactly the type of player Packers fans will love to hate – cut from the same piss-stained cloth as former Vikings douchebags like as Jack Del Rio, Chris Carter, Cris Hovan and Randy Moss.

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About The Author

Steffen grew up in Milwaukee, Bowler and Neenah Wisconsin. He is a UW-Stevens Point grad and currently works as a television producer in Los Angeles.

10 Comments on "Get To Know A Viking: Jared Allen"

  1. Mr A

    Didn’t every packer fan bow at the feet of an addict for the past 15 years?

    Don’t they still support domestic abuser?

    Aside of the off-the-field issues of his past, there’s nothing bad to be said about Jared Allen. You can make fun of his hair all you want, I don’t think he cares when mullets were popular on the internet.

    Classless and cocky? Overrated? I don’t know what makes him classless, or cocky, he’s a joker, he’s no “cockier” than Brett Favre. He’s a man who loves the game of football, and loves having fun while doing it. If you want to call him overrated, go to his stats page, the numbers don’t lie.

    I guess you pushed the sheep away long enough to pull some adjectives out of your ass.

    Tell Aaron he’ll be seeing this cocky, classless, overrated, mullet wearing, redneck mouth-breather in his nightmares after September 8th.

  2. You keep mentioning Brett favre, like that’s going to get my goat – er, sheep. Dude, have you read my other posts? Rip on Brett all you want, douche, it won’t get you anywhere.

    Allen has put up big numbers and he’s not a bad player at all. However, he’s overrated simply because too many people in the Twin Cities and in the national media have made the The Vikings Superbowl favorites just because he signed with the team.

    Oh, and I did look up some of his stats. Maybe you’ll be interested in how he did the last time he faced the Packers o-line.

    2 tackles and half a sack. And in case you have forgotten, the last time the Vikings played the Packers they lost. 34 to nothing.

    Just to be clear, all Vikings are classless, cocky and overrated. Even really nice former Packers like Ryan Longwell and especially scumbags like Jared Allen and whoever came up with the idea of playing that stupid horn in the Metrodome.

    ps – I’m not making fun of his mullet. I get that it’s ironic, it’s just that he gets too much credit for being a card, when his schtick is actually dated and played out. Next thing you know, he’ll be asking everyone if they’ve seen those Geico caveman commercials…

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  4. TPS

    Damn these West Coast schedules!
    Can someone PLEASE tell me how many tackles and sacks Jared Allen had on Monday night vs Green Bay? I missed the game and the box score on ESPN showed O’fers. This is obviously a misprint cuz this guy gives QB’s nightmares, right Mr. A? Seriously. 8…10…how many tackles?

    -TPS

  5. I just crunched some numbers over here… looks like, um, zero sacks and zero tackles. All in all a pretty good night. That is, if you consider getting utterly pwned by Chad Clifton a good night.

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  10. Screw the Packers

    Man, it’s so great seeing stuff like this after the fact.

    How do you guys feel knowing that this “loudmouth redneck” has made you guys his personal bitch for the last two years?

    Packers suck, just like their fans.

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